Wednesday, September 28, 2011

I'm not THAT PW: How to Make Hot Chocolate in 36 Easy Steps

Life is serious. Death is serious. Mothering, homeschooling, working, vacuuming- all serious. So, I try to stay positive and not-so-serious when possible in my blog writing (with a touch of reality and truth throw in) and my internet surfing (for example, I'll watch a bit of So You Think You Can Dance and never, ever watch a minute of The Bachelor or Big Brother- see how balanced and positive I am?)

I am very late to the party that is 'PW'- nope, not 'priest's wife'- that is 'Pioneer Woman' to all of us city folk. Her blog is very pretty and busy and makes her a million dollars a month or year in advertising revenue. I have read it a few times, using google to get to it. Boy was I surprised when I clicked on a satire site! I suppose you have to be pretty famous for someone to take the time to satirize your site with photo after photo of barbie dolls making fun of your latest recipe. I don't think it is kind to make fun of someone however famous- except these 'hater' blogs had a few valid critiques, mostly about the care of horses and food safety in the kitchen.

Since this blog's P'sW is mostly a mom, I am in the kitchen virtually all day- at least it feels like that some days. I am always on the lookout for simple, healthy, inspiring, inexpensive recipes to use with my family. I looked at the PW blog for inspiration; she makes a lot of money with the ad revenue connected to her cooking section. I came across 'The Bread.' She writes that it will change my life. In eight photos, she shows how to make 'The Bread'- a store-bought French loaf cut length-wise and spread with two sticks of butter. And that's it. It is garlic bread with twice the butter and minus the garlic. Hmmm...maybe I am being judgmental and jealous of her revenue stream...I'll find another recipe...

So I am temporarily a satire's my recipe for hot chocolate. I hope it isn't too complicated a recipe for anyone (tongue planted firmly in cheek)!

P's W's FAMOUS Hot Chocolate

Place three teaspoons of hot water in a heavy-bottomed pan.
We'll be using cocoa powder for this recipe. Usually, I use fair trade cocoa, but somehow this one made it into my Ghanaian woven shopping basket.
Place four heaping tablespoonfuls of cocoa into the water (I use a bit of water at the beginning so I can heat the cocoa and whisk so it won't clump)
This is going to get hot. Take a drink of yummy elderberry juice if you have it on hand.
Here's the sugar. It's organic, but still not fair trade. Argh.
Place four rounded tablespoonfuls of sugar into the pot.
Choose from your collection of vanillas. Be both horrified that you keep buying vanilla- but also proud that you finally cleaned out the cabinets and know what you have- for the moment. You will add one teaspoon of vanilla to the cocoa mixture. Whoops! I didn't get a photo of that essential, complicated step! Whisk it all together- another step that didn't get photographed- maybe I was too hard on PW with her 38 photos of an easy recipe....
He's not a basset hound or a mustang horse, but here in the real world free of government subsidies, Lucky is a nice addition to the family. He's not getting any cocoa, though.
Pour four scant cups of milk into the mixture. I hope you notice my glass cup recommended by Leila at Like Mother, Like Daughter- she had better not recommend anything else or she'll put me in the poor house.
Turn on the fire to medium and whisk!
Make it nice and frothy. I hope you used 2% or whole milk. No half and half or cream here- and no skim milk either. Let's attempt a little balance, shall we?
Swirl it around some more for good luck. Turn off the heat. Don't forget. Really- turn off the heat.
Prepare your marshmallows. I like to go with a Trinitarian Three for each cup.
Place three marshmallows in each cocoa cup.
Ladle one-fourth of the cocoa into each cup.
Admire your complicated cocoa creation before the children slurp it down in a second or two.
WHEW! That was exhausting! I was going to photograph the steps to making popcorn, but this was just too much. PW is a genius. I'm not.

Until next time...


  1. That made me laugh. My wife enjoys PW; I don't think I've ever been on the site.

    Thank you for your very real-life posts. I appreciate them.

  2. OH! When I saw this, I thought it was a nod towards a thread on Byz Cath with something like "priest's wife dead" in the title. It made me stop and catch my breath, then I saw that it was someone in a different rite and very very old, at that. Eternal memory to her, many years to you.

    Speaking of the "real" PW--I don't know much about her, honestly, but figured if she has a blog following like she did, she must have all day to blog, cook, take pics, which to me, means that she didn't have much to do with the ranch before she became famous. How else would she have gotten a following if she didn't start somewhere, you know? Real farm people are too busy for that kind of stuff!!! (I live in a farming town) And I've seen her's not as "down home" as any farm I've seen. It's very set-like and staged. Not trying to be mean, just pointing out my observations as someone who's been around farming.

    Back to YOUR post, that was cute and funny! And shame on me, I've never made hot chocolate from scratch. MUST DO THIS. Even if my stuff isn't fair trade or organic. First world FAIL for this bunny ;-)

  3. Rabbit- warning...once you make it from scratch, the mixes are yucky! My kids won't drink the carnation stuff

    I didn't hear about a priest's wife dying...if she is old, she must be Romanian or Ukrainian...I'll go to Byzcath and check it out. I hope it isn't anyone I know- usually we are good with sad communications like that---in any case, Eternal Memory!

  4. Too funny and looks too yummy. From scratch is always the best. I like your Triune marshmallows, big and fluffy.

  5. i'm a pw fan and that was a great spoof, especially the picture of the kitteh. (admittedly, i'm biased.)

  6. this sounds great but got a good chuckle as well :)

  7. He-he-he! My friends in my Mom's group at our parish are PW groupies. I can't go to her website. It's too much visual clutter for me. I can't do the perfection of it all - the perfect pictures, the perfect kitchen, the perfect homeschool stuff, the perfect guest lodge, perfect, perfect, perfect. I don't live in that world.

    If you want an even easier recipe here's mine: take a heaping teaspoon of unsweet cocoa (I use Droste's), mix to a paste with low-fat canned milk (it feels creamy but isn't cream), 2 tsp of sugar, and 6 oz of hot water from the electric kettle. No stove necessary. Sorry I don't have pictures.

  8. I came over here from MW to see what you had to say about The Pioneer Woman....but I stayed to read through and enjoy all parts of your fascinating blog! Thank you for sharing your thoughts and insights.

  9. hi, I found you on Pie Near's site. I like your hot chocolate, but this in not a satire, this is AN IMPROVEMENT. This makes me want to drink hot chocolate, and possibly take a toasty bath in it (the marshamallows could be my bath pillow?).

    I used to be a fan of Pioneer Woman, but now I am afraid that she is a tad bit-- how shall I say this nicely-- "manufactured" (and yes, case in point, that hideous frito meat in a bag, barf!).

    have a great day!


  10. Melissa and MOV and others- thanks for stopping by- I love you more than my luggage - because my luggage is lousy! ;)

  11. Tuxedo kitty = better than chocolate! (I know...but I'm on a diet, so I have to convince myself.)

  12. Amy- leave out the marshmallows and eat with either a piece of cheese (if on low carb) or a piece of 100% whole wheat toast (if on normal carb)---if you drink only a cup, it is much healthier than other desserts- and if you drink it hot, it will take a long time and be satisfying--- but if any chocolate is an occasion of sin, forget I said anything ;)

  13. I came here from MW too. I am sooo making that hot chocolate.

  14. Oh yeah, I forgot to are a vast improvement because you KEPT IT REAL! :) And I thank you for that!

  15. LOL. I am amused by your parody, even though I have never looked at Pioneer Woman's blog.

  16. I can vouch for her lousy luggage. Grrrrreat post and satire, though! Keepin' it real!

  17. I have been wondering about homemade hot chocolate. Thanks for the simple instructions.

  18. Love it, I too was late to the PW table, and she is somewhat of a local celeb in my parts. You see I know other rancher wives that go out and WORK the cows and horses themselves.

  19. So funny! Loved the "Trinitarian Three."

    I'm another one who was late to the PW table, discovering her earlier this year. By the time I read through most of her "Confessions" posts, her schtick wore thin. The parody sites are hilarious and spot-on, especially the Pie Near Woman. When you have two homes as high-end as their house and the Lodge, and you give away clothing that retails for $200 a piece or more, you are not one of "us." I will confess to looking at some of the recipes, and, in fact, am planning to try in a couple of days the same short rib recipe that you were interested in. Even if it's great, she's not going to be my guru.

  20. I came here from PWS and I gotta tell you, the Trinitarian Three got me. You even got the hand in the photo!! Love it, love it.

  21. but my luggage is worse! I'm sure PW has aMAYzing luggage!!!

  22. Another newbie from PWS site. I like the name of your blog! Hey, I can relate.... Well written and funny, I'll enjoy perusing your anonymous thoughts as Anonymous.

  23. Very funny and delightful! I found you via the PWS site, as well.


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