The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society: a lovely movie for tens and adults

ah Netflix.... clicking through the shows and movies....blech...meh.... saw it....blech- and then ahh! Perhaps this selection will be worthwhile! yes- this priest's wife- raised on the British shows on PBS 30 years ago... it was satisfying- perhaps a bit predictable- but lovely!

Christian marriage isn't all ladyfinger cookies & honey.... (a re-post)

Today is just a day in late January; I thought I would re-post this 'oldie but goodie' for my Wednesday marriage series (has anyone noticed how organized I am this year-hahaha)...

It is just a Monday in October, nowhere near our wedding anniversary. Simcha Fisher reposted a reflection on her wedding and marriage over here, and I just had to respond with our own story. 

my parents' Roman-rite parish- our wedding was Byzantine-rite, however- courtesy of our bishop, a future bishop-then-priest and a third priest and us cantoring...

We were as poor as church mice. No- really. When the travelling priest asked my future husband to buy toilet paper for the church mission where he was bunking, he bought the paper and lived on eggs and peanut butter for a few days. We bought gas with change, but not even quarters.  He was in the states for almost 9 months with just a 'religious volunteer' visa (his Master's degree program didn't have enough credit hours per semester to qualify for a student visa with a right to work), so by the time we were married, we were really poor. The bride's maids' dresses above were just $25 at JC Penny! The photographer was a friend from church. The calla lilies- not really my favorite flowers, but now they have to be- were in season and free in various neighbor's yards (my son just read the text above, shocked that we were poor when we got married- "but mom- look at your dress- it is such a rich, beautiful fabric!" Poverty is very, very relative, son- and grandma and grandpa bought the dress!).

Because of visa and money probems, none of my husband's family from Romania was there. There would be a Romanian couple to sing "Dance, Isaiah," but we would be missing so many of the traditions important to a Romanian family. I was determined to find the ladyfinger cookies to dip in my father-in-law's honey, a symbol of life being sweet in a holy marriage.

I did not get my hair done. My fingernails were unbuffed and bare. My make up was basically mascara and lipstick (ladies- you know that is nothing for a wedding!). I was nervous, knowing that I would have to cantor the wedding with my becoming-husband because our planned-for cantor decided to convert to Orthodoxy the week before. But I had one mission- to find those ladyfingers.

And after a few stores, in the hours before our wedding, found them I did. After a long, all-sung wedding ceremony and potifical Divine Liturgy on Pentecost Sunday, we shared the ladyfingers with honey and the common cup. And life is sweet, even when we are running around, distracted by the mundane. Marriage is about giving your all to the spouse, and we attempt to do that even in our sinfullness. I could have-should have bought the ladyfingers earlier, but I didn't because my future-husband got it into his head the day before that this was a tradtiion that he wanted to uphold. He didn't know that Ameria is a ladyfinger-cookie-limited-place. But we make it work, then and now, even through the limitations. 

Building Christian Marriage: words from Tertullian

"How beautiful, then, the marriage of two Christians, two who are one in hope, one in desire, one in the way of life they follow, one in the religion they practice.

They are as brother and sister, both servants of the same Master. Nothing divides them, either in flesh or in Spirit. They are in very truth, two in one flesh; and where there is but one flesh there is also but one spirit.

They pray together, they worship together, they fast together; instructing one another, encouraging one another, strengthening one another.

Side by side they face difficulties and persecution, share their consolations. They have no secrets from one another, they never shun each other’s company; they never bring sorrow to each other’s hearts… Psalms and hymns they sing to one another.

Hearing and seeing this, Christ rejoices. To such as these He gives His peace. Where there are two together, there also He is present, and where He is, there evil is not."

from a letter by Tertullian, an Early Church Father, to his wife, ca. 202 AD, showing the great esteem for the sacrament of holy matrimony in the days of the early church

Old-fashioned, traditional marriage advice from a 4th century celibate

Pick Virtue Rather than Riches When Selecting a Good Husband

First, look for a husband who will really be a husband and a protector; remember that you are placing a head on a body. When your daughter is to be married, don’t look for how much money a man has. Don’t worry about his nationality or his family’s social position […] When you are satisfied that the man is virtuous and decide what day they will be married, beseech Christ to be present at the wedding. He is not ashamed to come for marriage is an image of His presence in the Church. Even better than this: pray that your children will each find such a virtuous spouse; entrust this concern of yours into His hands. If you honor Him in this way, He will return honor for honor.

Advice on How to Pick a Wife

Since we know all this, let us seek just one thing in a wife, virtue of soul and nobility of character, so that we may enjoy tranquility, so that we may luxuriate in harmony and lasting love. The man who takes a rich wife takes a boss rather than a wife. If even without wealth women are with pride and prone to the love of fame, if they have wealth in addition, how will their husbands be able to stand them? The man, however, who takes a wife of equal position or poorer than himself takes a helper and ally and brings every blessing into his house. Her own poverty forces her to care for her husband with great concern, to yield to him and obey him in everything. It removes every occasion of strife, battle, presumption, and pride. It binds the couple in peace, harmony, love, and concord. Let us not, therefore, seek to have money, but to have peace, in order to enjoy happiness. Marriage does not exist to fill our houses with war and battles, to give us strife and contention, to pit us against each other and make our life unlivable. It exists in order that we may enjoy another’s help, that we may have a harbor, a refuge, and a consolation in troubles which hang over us, and that we may converse happily with our wife. How many wealthy men who have taken rich wives and increased their substance have yet destroyed their happiness and harmony, as they contend in daily battles at table? How many poor men who have taken poorer wives now enjoy peace and look upon each day’s  sun with joy? 

(Chrysostom, St. John. On Marriage and Family Life. Crestwood, NY: St. Vladimir’s Seminary Press, 1986)

Does this advice still hold true or do we moderns know better? 

be pro-life- smile at a mom & her screaming toddler

Pro-lifers are readying themselves for the annual March for Life  Different groups are doing different things, but prayer and demonstrations seem to be the popular manifestations for this time.  

If we say that we are pro-life- let's mean it and show this with our actions! Prayer is a beautiful thing, but maybe that mom needs your help with opening that door- she has 2 kids in her arms.  Please don't joke that that family needs a television; it's insulting and anti-life. Bring a meal to welcome the newest addition and have your teenager mow their lawn- with permission, of course. Hand-me-down clothes are very welcome, but check the clothing for rips and stains. If Goodwill wouldn't sell it, the local big family down the street probably wouldn't wear it to Mass. And perhaps above all, have mercy with little children that are squirmy at church. I guarantee you- the parents are doing their best to wrangle those kids.  They woke up, got the kids ready and out the door when the majority of Americans were still abed. They are in church, trying to instill in their children all the values of Christianity. Give that harried mom a smile as she takes a screaming  three-year old out of Mass. Invite them to your table at coffee and doughnuts. Make that super-sized family (in most parts of the US, any family with over 2 or 3 kids- not applicable to Franciscan U and TAC areas) welcome.

How in the world can inviting a big family to your coffee and doughnut table be pro-life, you ask? We need to build a culture of life where children are welcome. We need to make it easier for a family to have that next kid (perhaps through lower taxation?). Did you know that 60% of abortions are performed on women who are already mothers? (source- the blog "And Sometimes Tea") Prayer is essential, but action is too. If all pro-lifers were active in doing pro-life prayer and work (making meals, knitting booties, working at a soup kitchen, calling a new mom, mowing lawns, painting fences, fixing vans, babysitting for nothing or nominal fees, whatever is appropriate to the stage in life and ability or talent), we would make it less scary for these moms to welcome life even in difficult moments.

This post was inspired by an old post I read at Abigail's Alcove about needing help and not really getting it when her very ill baby was in the NICU 

Celebrating & Strengthening Christian Marriage- start your life together in holiness

a portion of St John Chrysostom's Homily 20 on Marriage - Ephesians 5:22-24

Let your prayers be common. Let each go to Church; and let the husband ask his wife at home, and she again ask her husband, the account of the things which were said and read there. If any poverty should overtake you, cite the case of those holy men, Paul and Peter, who were more honored than any kings or rich men; and yet how they spent their lives, in hunger and in thirst. Teach her that there is nothing in life that is to be feared, save only offending against God. If any marry thus, with these views, he will be but little inferior to monks; the married but little below the unmarried.

If you have a mind to give dinners, and to make entertainments, let there be nothing immodest, nothing disorderly. If you should find any poor saint able to bless your house, able only just by setting his foot in it to bring in the whole blessing of God, invite him. And shall I say moreover another thing? Let no one of you make it his endeavor to marry a rich woman, but much rather a poor one. When she comes in, she will not bring so great a source of pleasure from her riches, as she will annoyance from her taunts, from her demanding more than she brought, from her insolence, her extravagance, her vexatious language. For she will say perhaps, I have not yet spent anything of yours, I am still wearing my own apparel, bought with what my parents settled upon me. What do you say, O woman? Still wearing your own! And what can be more miserable than this language? Why, you have no longer a body of your own, and have you money of your own? 

After marriage you are no longer two, but have become one flesh, and are then your possessions two, and not one? Oh! This love of money! You both have become one man, one living creature; and do you still say my own? Cursed and abominable word that it is, it was brought in by the devil. Things far nearer and dearer to us than these has God made all common to us, and are these then not common? We cannot say, my own light, my own sun, my own water: all our greater blessings are common, and are riches not common? Perish the riches ten thousand times over! Or rather not the riches, but those tempers of mind which know not how to make use of riches, but esteem them above all things.

Teach her these lessons also with the rest, but with much graciousness. For since the recommendation of virtue has in itself much that is stern, and especially to a young and tender damsel, whenever discourses on true wisdom are to be made, contrive that your manner be full of grace and kindness. And above all banish this notion from her soul, of mine and yours. If she say the word mine, say unto her, What things do you call yours? For in truth I know not; I for my part have nothing of my own. How then do you speak of 'mine,' when all things are yours? Freely grant her the word. Do you not perceive that such is our practice with children? When, while we are holding anything, a child snatches it, and wishes again to get hold of some other thing, we allow it, and say, Yes, and this is yours, and that is yours. The same also let us do with a wife; for her temper is more or less like a child's; and if she says mine, say, why, everything is yours, and I am yours. Nor is the expression one of flattery, but of exceeding wisdom. Thus will you be able to abate her wrath, and put an end to her disappointment. For it is flattery when a man does an unworthy act with an evil object: whereas this is the highest philosophy. 

'The husband has not power over his own body, but the wife.' 1 Corinthians 7:4 If I have no power over my body, but you have, much more have you over my possessions. By saying these things you will have quieted her, you will have quenched the fire, you will have shamed the devil, you will have made her more your slave than one bought with money, with this language you will have bound her fast. Thus then, by your own language, teach her never to speak of mine and yours. And again, never call her simply by her name, but with terms of endearment, with honor, with much love. Honor her, and she will not need honor from others; she will not want the glory that comes from others, if she enjoys that which comes from you. Prefer her before all, on every account, both for her beauty and her discernment, and praise her. You will thus persuade her to give heed to none that are without, but to scorn all the world except yourself. Teach her the fear of God, and all good things will flow from this as from a fountain, and the house will be full of ten thousand blessings. 

If we seek the things that are incorruptible, these corruptible things will follow. For, says He, seek first His kingdom, and all these things shall be added unto you. Matthew 6:33 What sort of persons, think you, must the children of such parents be? What the servants of such masters? What all others who come near them? Will not they too eventually be loaded with blessings out of number? For generally the servants also have their characters formed after their master's, and are fashioned after their humors, love the same objects, which they have been taught to love, speak the same language, and engage with them in the same pursuits. If thus we regulate ourselves, and attentively study the Scriptures, in most things we shall derive instruction from them. And thus shall be able to please God, and to pass through the whole of the present life virtuously, and to attain those blessings which are promised to those that love Him, of which God grant that we may all be counted worthy, through the grace and lovingkindness of our Lord Jesus Christ, with Whom, together with the Holy Ghost, be unto the Father, glory, power, and honor, now, and ever, through all ages. Amen.

Celebrating & Strengthening Christian Marriage --- a Wednesday series for 2018

"Love does not consist in gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction." - Antoine de Saint-Exupery 

"Let there be such oneness between us that when one cries, the other tastes salt." (attributed to multiple authors)

“[On what young husbands should say to their wives:] I have taken you in my arms, and I love you, and I prefer you to my life itself. For the present life is nothing, and my most ardent dream is to spend it with you in such a way that we may be assured of not being separated in the life reserved for us... I place your love above all things, and nothing would be more bitter or painful to me than to be of a different mind than you.” -  St John Chrysostom

"Love that leads to marriage is a gift from God and a great act of faith toward other human beings."- St. Pope John Paul II 

from world traveling nun to Ukrainian Catholic wife & home educator (part 3)

What is your ministry in the church? Our parish life is so important to us. Right now I’ve been helping teach catechism to the younger group of children, and I’ve been learning and helping to cantor the different tones for Liturgy. We want to help out in any way we can! Just this past weekend, we helped our parish with a presentation of the Ukrainian Holy Supper, Свята вечеря, and it was so wonderful! I am truly blessed to be a part of such an active, faithful parish where the members are like family. I thank God every day for this. 

Education and job? I mentioned my time in the convent, but when I left, I got a job with a statewide pro-life organization, and I was really grateful for my time there. I learned a lot about the pro-life movement and how to better help people choose life and respect life. We’ve been busy with our young family for the past several years, but I hope someday to become more active in the pro-life movement again. 

Favorite movie, book, music? For movies, I enjoy science fiction and other “geeky” films, but I also love classic films from Hollywood’s Golden Age. My favorite movie is probably Hitchcock’s “Rebecca” or “Gaslight,” but there are so many movies from the 30s and 40s that I love! For books, I prefer nonfiction or spiritual reading. But I’ve always been a Jane Austen fan, too, and I love classic literature. Music-wise, I have a very eclectic taste! I enjoy some typical pop music but also classical music, sacred music, and international music. 

Hobbies? I have many hobbies! With four young children, though, I don’t always have time to pursue them as often as I’d like, but especially as they get older, I love to share my hobbies with them, as well. I love to sing, and I love to paint. I’d love to study iconography more seriously someday. I also love to make crafty things! I enjoy cooking, baking, and gardening, too. I love fishing, and I’m nowhere near an experienced runner, but I like to run, too.

What is 'cool'/interesting about you? Normally when people ask that, I tell them that I was a nun for 5 years! It’s a pretty unusual thing nowadays! While I was there, I had the opportunity to travel to Portugal and then again to Rome and Assisi. Those were really wonderful experiences, and someday I’d love to travel to Eastern Europe, particularly to where my father’s family is from. 

Also, when I was in the convent, I worked closely with their chaplain, a nonagenarian (he turned 100 this year!) Irish Dominican priest who was the founding editor of L’Osservatore Romano in English, and worked in the Vatican for 35 years. He had so many fascinating stories, and it was such a pleasure (and wonderful learning experience!) working with him. 

If you had $20 and an hour of free time what would you do? Probably go clothes shopping, looking for a good deal! Not very creative, but, it’s true! 

Thank you, Carrie for taking the time to answer these questions- you are a testimony to God's faithfulness!

Click here for part 1

Click here for part 2 

Interested in telling your story in the Church? (East or West)- write me an email at remnantofremnant@gmail.com 

Is Pope Francis open to married men becoming Roman-rite Catholic priests?

There have been rumblings throughout the blogosphere about the latest musings of the Holy Father. Should married men be permitted- as a norm- to be ordained Roman-rite priests?  Dear reader, you should (rightly) say, "Hey, priest's wife! You are Romanian Byzantine Catholic! It is none of your business what the Roman-rite does! keep out of it!" 

don't worry- this is an 'old country' Eastern Catholic seminarian marrying- men wear their best clothing to their marriage, and his clerics would be his best clothing 

Very well. I will keep out of it- after I share some thoughts...these old chestnuts....

Read: Throwing Priests' Wives Under the Bus (about a former Anglican priest turned Catholic priest who stated that he would be a more dedicated priest if he were celibate) 

my words: 

Everyone should accept and develop their lives depending upon their vocation and not advocate against their state in life. It is ungrateful to be otherwise. His public thoughts of being a more devoted priest if he weren't with family responsibilities is unfair. While he can advocate for celibacy in general, theological terms, the specifics of his situation should be positive only. I know these are strong words, but he is ungrateful in that he is a minuscule exception to the celibacy requirement in the Roman-rite. I understand that some married priests want to stay 'under the radar,' so don't mention your marriage at all. We all have misgivings and frustrations with our state in life. 

Have you ever met a mother who is vocal about her preference for the opposite sex that her baby turned out to be? The baby is all dressed in blue, and the mom sighs that she's disappointed that she doesn't get to buy all the cute pink ruffly clothes. I must confess that I find that attitude really disturbing. It's one thing to say 'a girl would be fun' before the sex of the baby is known, but when that sweet baby is in your arms, he needs your total acceptance and love. 

What if your husband was having second thoughts about being married to you? What if he fantasized about being married to the girl he dated before you met him? What if he published a Facebook status update like: "I would be a more devoted husband if I didn't have to deal with Sarah's lupus. I could have devoted more to my career if Maria had married me." Devastating, no? 

Read: Sad Days (about Roman rite commenters who want Eastern-types to shut it) 

my words:

WHY OH WHY do people think that by accepting the East's 2,000 year tradition of married men priests and their dignity and worthiness leads to....married men being ordained de facto in the West, altar girls, extraordinary ministers of the Eucharist, women 'priests,' clown masses, blessings with bubbles and sage, embracing divorce and remarriage, birth control, abortion, meat buffets on Fridays, abandoning Holy Days of Obligation, global warming, etc and etc...We just want our sui juris church to be respected. We love the Holy Father and the Catholic Church. Let me be a broken record for a bit; the Church is bigger than my microscopic rite and the Roman rite- no matter the majority the Roman rite has.

Read: Sex & the Married Priesthood: Ceasing Marital Relations within Marriage a "Praiseworthy Thing"? (a former Episcopalian priest announces that he will no longer have relations with his wife after being ordained a Catholic priest)

my words: 

I say that it is impossible for a loving married couple (a couple not in an extremely rare Josephite marriage from the beginning) to be perfectly continent because marital relations is much more than intercourse. It is an emotional intimacy with another person that a celibate person does not experience. Marital relations is to receive a cup of coffee lovingly from your wife, as you can see from the video of Deacon John. If he entered a monastery, a housekeeper or a fellow monk giving him coffee would be a completely different thing. Marital relations is to be frustrated together over the latest mistake a child has made. Marital relations is to buy the stinky cheese that he likes so much. Marital relations is to clip coupons and soak beans cheerfully. To reduce marital relations to simply sexual intercourse (the lack of intercourse being the perfect continence required supposedly by canon 277) is to reduce us to animals who rut without thinking.

and here is the last blog post I could find about the subject...The Challenge of Celibacy: Let's NOT talk about Sex  (it's about the single life and selfishness) 

my words:

We all know amazing celibate priests who are always thinking of the other person. He might golf on Monday morning as a hobby, but his cell phone is open to calls and he doesn't allow a gate keeper secretary to be a barrier to contact with his parishioners. Celibacy and continence are challenges, but Roman-rite priests know what they are getting into and, I suspect, focus on protecting themselves from sin in these serious matters. Selfishness is a much smaller sin, but it tends to creep in and make itself at home. A selfish person who is also a giver- like I was- work, work, working for God but then ignoring that call that they know is a hospital call. A selfish person insists on his hamburger super-rare (just pass it over a lit candle) even when the waitress says the health board won't let her sell it rare. A selfish person needs, even while complaining of burn-out, to choose all the music selections and flower arrangements so that things will be perfect (for him/her).

agree? disagree? any other thoughts? leave a comment! 

Michael's conversion: his spiritual journey as a new husband (guest post)

Christ is Risen!

“There’s this church next to my work—says it is for Ukrainians. Check it out; your grandmother was Ukrainian. It looks like the Orthodox church she used to take me to.” Those words were spoken to me by my father in 2013. A man far from any professed belief, it was because of that sentence that I, and now my wife, have truly found our home—what is now our pilgrimage on earth to heaven. 

I was certainly a much more devout 21 year old than most others I grew up with in Philadelphia, but my first visit by myself to the Ukrainian Cathedral wasn’t very fruitful. The Liturgy seemed so foreign that I was saddened of my inability to see it for what I now know it truly is. Still, I was determined to get to know this “other Rite” (I know—it's not a Rite) with my then-girlfriend. I tried much too hard to learn and read on my own without proper direction. 

In the meantime, my girlfriend was returning to the (Latin) Church and God was certainly doing His own work within her. I, on the other hand, was gradually drifting away from my spiritual well-being, but still held on because I knew I had to. Little would I know that God had a pretty big idea for us. 

I was still in law enforcement at the time and still serving in the National Guard. During the next few years, we would split our time between the Church where I served Mass and the Ukrainian Church nearby. A few years had passed, and Lucy (now my fiancee at this point in time) was clearly reaching a point where she began living her life for the pleasure of God, began engaging in spiritual reading, and was really becoming the ideal Catholic woman! I was so proud and happy, but I noticed that I had hit a wall in my own faith, a sort of writer’s block for the soul. 

Due to a variety of circumstances, we had to transition to the Ruthenian Church. This is when the story gets good. I cannot pinpoint how, or why, but suddenly, deep within me, while hiding in the back during my first visit, I just knew—this is it. This is where we need to be. Now, it all seemed complete—we were finally learning more, understanding, meeting so many people, reading, praying, being involved—it was all wonderful. Then, my law enforcement career came to a sudden halt right before our wedding. It was like having your whole life planned out and it all being taken from you—imagine the irony. 

Suddenly, I was separated from the only line of work I had ever served in. I lost what would be considered great benefits and a rather luxurious salary Thank God for that, because I found that wall that was holding me back. In my lowest of lows, my fiancee was there for me (of course), but she was there in a different way—it was to point me to God and to His Church. It was during this time that I finally learned that I am a sinner, that I am unworthy of so many things, that I require Our Lord’s mercy every waking moment, and that He wants me to be united with Him. He taught me that I must rely on Him, that I must give my total self to Him, and that I must pray to Him. I learned how to really, really pray, not just recite empty words, but learn how to push through the struggle of prayer, and how to understand the Liturgy, Vespers, Matins—all of it—as an instrument to succeed in prayer of the heart. I suppose like so many others, it was only in my “darkest hour” that my heart became open.   

My time became immersed in Jesus alone. Because of my fiancée, I finally learned how to know God, and I came to find this in Orthodox spirituality—the faith of my grandmother, Anne, who was a wonderful Orthodox woman. 

I often say I wish I discovered the Eastern Churches earlier in life, but I see why it had to wait. I think God needed to remind me not to follow the ways of the world, and to show me what He really wants of me. To say that I am undeserving of a wife of 24 who supports her 26 year-old husband in discerning the priesthood is an absolute understatement. After visits to the seminary, to Pilgrimages, to financial planning—all with her—I can certainly say we are on a tough journey filled with uncertainty and blind corners. However, with the guidance of our pastor, vocations director, and so many wonderful people we have met on the way, we happily make our way on this search for God’s plan for us, knowing that we have now what we didn’t fully have before—faith, reverence, and fear of God—together. 

Please pray for us, and be assured of our prayers for all of you. God love you!"

- shared by Michael Fiocca

Thank you, Michael! We will be praying for you and your family through this journey 

to the new priest's wife, wondering & worrying about the future

This comment was recently sent to me: 

I have been a priest’s wife for just under two days. Please pray for me. I have no idea what the future has in store for us!!

Please pray for this new priest, priest's wife, and any children they have!

Bless this marriage and his priestly ordination and grant unto these Your servants  a peaceful life, length of days, chastity, love for one another in a bond of peace, offspring long‑lived, fair fame by reason of their children, and a crown of glory that does not fade away.

Account them worthy to see their children's children. Keep their wedlock safe against every hostile scheme; give them of the dew from the Heavens above, and of the fatness of the earth. Fill their houses with bountiful food, and with every good thing, that they may have to give to them that are in need, bestowing also on them that are here assembled with us all their supplications that are unto salvation.

For You are a God of mercy and of compassion, and to You do we send up Glory: as to Your eternal Father and Your All‑Holy, Good, and Life‑creating Spirit, both now and ever, and to the ages of ages. Amen

National Catholic Register's take on Byzantine Catholic Priests' Wives

Take a look at this informative article on Byzantine Catholic priests' wives! We are not 'showcased' very frequently. We are just living our lives, the way we have traditionally lived from the beginning of the Eastern Churches.  Thank you to writer Peter Jesserer Smith for taking the time to interview many priests' wives. 

7 reasons to say YES & marry your Byzantine Catholic seminarian boyfriend

In 2013, I wrote a post entitled '7 reasons NOT to marry your Byzantine Catholic seminarian boyfriend,' I was informed recently that this post betrayed my bitter and resentful heart, the ranting of a priest's wife who perhaps does not want to be one. As you might surmise, I disagree 100% with my critic and stand by my realistic view of married clergy life. I did feel inspired, however, to write a positive post with no qualifications or cautionary tales. Read my 'don't marry him' post for the other side if you like!

  "Marriage is a duel to the death which no man of honour should decline." G.K. Chesterton 

seminarians in the old country wear clerics... and get married in them

1. Why marry a seminarian? He is bound to be the spiritual head of the household- your own Saint Joseph, protector and provider for your family.

2. You will build character. You will be challenged. You will work on virtue. 

3. You can be assured that your husband is constantly praying for grace in marriage and for your salvation. Lots of husbands are like this, but a priest-husband is the best of them all when it comes to prayer for family. He sees the 'wages of sin' up close every day, so a holy priest-husband is alert to attacks from the evil one and prays and uses the sacraments to ward them off. 

4. You will build a strong family culture- father, mother and children. Besides confession and financial council meetings, the family will do just about everything with father, helping the church ministry. Your clergy family culture will mean that you all depend on each other because not many other people will understand your life with its triumphs and challenges. You will develop plenty of family culture inside jokes and 'auto-pilot' ways of getting through the week. Family traditions will come about- very different than other families, but good for you! Perhaps Saint Nicholas does not come until the afternoon; this was true for us for about 12 years. We are also blessed to have extended family comprised of devout Catholics because it really is we plus the extended family 'against the world.' 

5. You really will be the reason why he is able to minister to people on the saddest, most tragic, worst days of their lives. Knowing that there is a family at home depending on him will motivate him to work hard for the kingdom of God- and for you. Knowing that there is a wife waiting at home with a cup of chamomile tea might make it easier to make a sick call in the middle of the night!

6. You will be honored by being close to God is His sacraments. You will most likely need to be at every marriage, baptism and funeral to support your husband in his ministry. You will probably help at the house blessings as well, seeing families in their natural setting and getting to know them better. Because we borrow space from a Roman-rite parish, we have to reserve the Eucharist in our home for the Pre-Sanctified Liturgy on weekdays during the Great Fast. There is a lot of grace waiting for you and the children there in the little tabernacle. 

7. When he is dismissed, discounted, disrespected because of his marital status, you and the children will make it worth it. You, wife of a Byzantine Catholic or Orthodox seminarian, will have a front-row seat to seeing God's grace in action! The sacraments of marriage and holy orders really do work if we let them!

the unvarnished truth about being a Byzantine Catholic priest's wife

..."I first came across your blog in 2012 & I couldn't believe how bitter and resentful it read. Honestly, it made me sad, and worried that a Pani would be bitter & resentful towards the church, the parishioners, & her husband. There have been many entries that I wouldn't want anyone who was looking into the Byzantine church or married clergy to read because so much of what I have read from this blog has been negative. I have read articles & books by Presbyteras that highlight the struggles AND the good times, & I haven't seen that with your blog. But, I know nothing as I am not a priest wife; just a concerned Byzantine parishioner." a message on my Facebook account

What is the unvarnished truth of being a Byzantine Catholic priest's wife? We have to be perfect for all people at all times. There is an old Protestant joke that goes like this: 

The Perfect Pastor preaches exactly 10 minutes. He condemns sin roundly, but never hurts anyone's feelings. He works from 8 a.m. until midnight, and is also the church janitor.

The Perfect Pastor makes $40 a week, wears good clothes, drives a good car, buys good books, and donates $30 a week to the church. He is 29 years old and has 40 years' worth of experience. Above all, he is handsome.

The Perfect Pastor has a burning desire to work with teenagers, and he spends most of his time with the senior citizens. He smiles all the time with a straight face because he has a sense of humor that keeps him seriously dedicated to his church. He makes 15 home visits a day and is always in his office to be handy when needed.

The Perfect Pastor always has time for church meetings and all of its committees, never missing the meeting of any church organization. And he is always busy evangelizing the unchurched.

But pastors aren't perfect in the real world and neither are priests' wives! The writer above claims that, while other clergy wives' blogs highlight struggles and good times, I focus on the bad. I am bitter and resentful to my church, parishioners and husband. Posts that are more serious have been tagged with the 'disappointment' and 'loss' labels. If you are interested, those labels are found at the bottom of this post. Maybe these are the "bitter" and "resentful" posts?

Dear readers, have you read these posts- 

What is Christian Marriage?  - am I resentful to my husband here?

An Argument against married clergy- I seem to respect my husband here....

Advice for Clergy families- is this too realistic? Should we pretend it is all rainbows? 

15th anniversary a few years back- I rarely discuss our specfic marriage relationship- nope- no bitterness or resentment here! 

Is this the post that is all bitter & against the parishioners? How to be a perfect priest's wife 

This post is a little opinionated about a parishioner- but funny! Strong Cheesy Opinions

Dear writer of message- you don't "know nothing" because you aren't a priest's wife. Your opinions and feelings matter. But first of all, if you have read occasionally for four years and were so disturbed by my posts, I wish you had written me sooner. I truly don't know which posts you are talking about. I stand by everything I have written. There are no lies here. I do believe I have written like those other clergy wives you have spoken about- I write about the good times and the struggles. When I do wrte about the struggles, it is usually in response to a young person who is discerning a marriage/clergy vocation. Would it be right for me to say that there will never be heartache? Because this is heartache for me right now as a priest's wife- to be scorned for four years by a fellow Byzantine Catholic- to be misunderstood- to be treated as a non-person. You really are saying that a priest's wife must be like the 'Perfect Pastor' from the joke. And it is not possible. 

Most likely, message writer, you will not read this post. I will take the challenge and write some deeply personal, positive posts about church, parishioners and our marriage. I can not un-do years of posts that you claim are bitter and resentful. First of all, I disagree with you 100%. I feel like any person who is interested in the Byzantine rite might find some positive help here. 

But I do see that I could be more personal and positive. I will start right here.

What did Father get Priest's Wife for Saint Valentine's day? (oops- secular holiday inspired by Roman saint....Latinization!) 

two dozen roses- red and pink, a box of good chocolates, a Thai dinner with 2 other couples, and a hand-decorated jar filled with pieces of papers labeled with weekly surprises. 

What did Priest's Wife give Father for the holiday? 

Brussels sprouts made the way he likes them, a cheese plate (four cheeses), some plants in the front yard that I planted, my undying devotion and appreciation for all the work he does- especially at the hospital (I call it 'the coal mine') 

Never have I been bitter or resentful of him or his vocation. I regret my mistakes and imperfections, but this is exactly where we should be. I am consoled whenever it is a hard day that God has led me to this life from the day I was born. How could I be bitter and resentful with that assurance? 

'Eastern Catholic & Orthodox laity & visitors' survey results- more demographics

How often do you attend Eastern Christian (Catholic or Orthodox) religious services?

Never-- 2.38% 

once or twice a year-- 7.14% 

once or twice a month-- 10.71% 

once a week-- 52.38% 

twice a week-- 15.48% 

more than twice a week-- 11.90%

Also Great Fast, Holy Week, Philip's Fast and feast days.

Or more if Holy Days

It's been several years.

and Feast Days

Always at least once a week, sometimes more often, especially with Holy Days and special services at times.

Once a week when I am at home, when at college, attend a Roman Catholic church because there is no Eastern Catholic church

Our local Greek Orthodox church has a wonderful Good Friday service

During Lent it may be twice a week. At other times of the year it may be only for feats of Our Lord, Our Lady, and St. John the Baptist.

Vespers and Liturgy each week, additional services when available, but we don't have daily services

Sometimes more

Would attendore frequently but my parish only has Sunday Liturgy

about 6-8 times a year

I no longer live in a Christian country, so I only attend when travelling abroad.

Only available every other week

How far must you drive (one-way) to the Eastern Christian place of worship you frequent?

less than 15 minutes-- 29.27% 

15- 29 minutes-- 26.83% 

30- 44 minutes-- 28.05% 

45- 60 minutes-- 15.85% 

Why this church? 

-Priest in charge of the mission is a friend and seminary classmate of my husband.

-closest option

-Feels like our spiritual home.

-Most liturgical Lutheran church in …. area

-closest to home (and I really like it)

-Only Eastern Catholic church in the area

-I'm a cantor there

-English used

-Long Story

-It is my home parish I was raised in

-It is Russian Greek Catholic and has remained true to its Orthodox roots.

-This was my grandmother's baptismal parish, so when we moved to this area we chose to go there rather than the parish closest to us.

-why not? after all it is like going home for me.

-Cathedral. Local church too Latinized.

-closest one where English is predominant language of Liturgy. GF attends Romanian Cathedral also so I go with her a lot.

-the priest is awesome

-I have close friends who are Greek Orthodox and their current church is the one I was married in--the Archdiocese of Boston closed it and sold it to the Greek church as part of the reorg in 2005.

-Five Byzantine and three Ukrainian within 30 mins.

-Russian liturgy, community

-Good Liturgy, Great People

-It is the closest Byzantine church to us, it is near both my and my husband’s families, and we were married there.

-It is our local Ukrainian Catholic Church

-The only one in the Country

I-t is the closest Byzantine Catholic Church; I have friends there; I love the liturgy

-I must travel ~1.5-2+ hours by ferry, train, and taxi/bus to reach the only Orthodox church in my city.

-I am related to a Byzantine priest.

-We found a home and our children are thriving. We feel called East. Great Vespers and Divine Liturgy are regularly offered.

-Closest Eastern catholic church

-closest Byzantine Catholic church is 5hr drive

"this world first felt unusual to me, but now it feels natural and how it's supposed to be": the beautiful & the difficult after ordination for clergy wives

After your husband was ordained or entered seminary, how was your life positively impacted? (more than 1 response possible)

 strengthening of marriage- 37.50%

interaction with parishioners- 31.25%

positive impact for children- 12.50%

ministry gives life deep meaning- 43.75%

knowledge that I am doing important work- 68.75%

my spiritual life is deeper- 37.50%

-I finally found a spiritual director for myself

-fear is less overwhelming.

After your husband was ordained or entered seminary, how was your life negatively impacted?

 marital or parenting difficulties- 43.75%

separation or divorce- 0.00%

health/stress problems- 43.75%

financial hardships- 37.50%

crisis or loss of faith- 12.50%

Isolation- 68.75%

-Less family time

-other spiritual attacks

-lack of support from the Bishop; no support for ordained clergy from other ordained clergy in terms of advice or direction

-After his ordination, I realized that I could never truly have close friendships at church again. I am now "the deacon's wife" and parishioners view me differently. The ones that I am close to, I still have to be guarded that I don't share something I wasn't supposed to or cause scandal by gossiping (I know you shouldn't anyways, but the burden is greater!)

-stress in seminary was so bad I ended up in the hospital with stress related illness. I feel like a single parent.

If you knew then what you know now, would you still marry a man who was also called to Church ministry?

 --- I am very glad he has been able to fulfill his call to church ministry and we have been financially blessed. I wish we had more time together as family and really miss family vacation time.

--- I would absolutely marry him again (and again!). I always say "I married the man, not the vocation/job". I am blessed to have a husband who sees his vocation as a priest-to-be as being equal to his vocation as a husband and father. :)

--- It will sound odd. Isolation and loneliness for me could be considered both positive and negative. I grew up in a warm, loving family. I was never alone, always surrounded by parents, grandparents, uncles and aunts. After I married my husband, due to the nature of his work, he was away all day. I was left alone with a young son and an overwhelmingly difficult job. I work for the university, but I don't teach that many hours a week. I spend most of my time doing research, reading and writing, so I can work from home. Loneliness got to my bones. At first, I was utterly miserable, but in time I understood it was a lesson from God. This is how He taught me about independence. I am a completely changed person now. I value the fact that I spend enough time alone - actually, not alone, but just myself and God - and by that - I stay away from all the negative things that permanent socializing brings to a person. I have time to read and think and pray. I live in a city and outside the walls of my little house it's madness. As for the positive impact... I have to say, the most important thing would be meeting people I look up to, people who are models of goodness, generosity and love. All the people I admire most come from the Church, so there must be something there. :-) I thank God and my husband for introducing me to this world that at first felt unusual to me, populated with people that seemed to come from a different era, but now it feels natural and how it's supposed to be.

--- Separation has been difficult. Loss of income has necessitated sale of home, subsequent downsizing, and second job to supplement income - all while husband is away at seminary. Also two grandchildren born while husband has been away.

--- Positives: - Seeing my husband's joy in serving the Church, celebrating the liturgy and other sacraments, it is so clear that he is where he was meant to be. This is the big one. - People have been incredibly kind and welcoming to us. We recently moved for my job, so he is currently a supply priest and helps out at the local parish when not needed elsewhere, and we have been welcomed with open arms. My kids get so much love :-) - The absolute best was when my husband baptized our daughter. Amazing. - We are Orthodox, so contempt for married clergy is not an issue. Negatives: - We have virtually no time as a family, I work a regular full time office job because I am still the main breadwinner, and before we moved my husband worked 7 days a week. It's not as bad since we moved, but once he has a parish it will be awful again. That said, I should be able to cut back on work once he has a parish assignment, so that will help. - It is incredibly hard to go to Church by myself with two very active kids - we only have one car so this compounds the problem since we either have to all go really early or I stay home. And forget Holy Week or other special services. - I worry that my kids will hate the Church because Papa is gone so much. - It's lonely and no one really gets it. - Seeing the hierarchy up close and personal can try your faith... I would absolutely still marry my husband despite his call to the priesthood. Not because I like being a Presvytera (I don't), but because he's worth it.

--- Yes, I have a good and wonderful life. I have been able to see and grow in different ways then I would have. GOD IS FAITHFUL ALL THE TIME. I have lived it.

--- I have some distance and experience now, and I know wholeheartedly that this was the right path for us. In the beginning, I suffered depression and God allowed me to be tested in various ways. Sometimes I still feel isolated. But I have an incredible husband who nurtures my emotional and psychological health and a merciful God who leads people into my life to support me. I am part of an incredible community, and I couldn't be more grateful for the miracles I get to witness.

--- Yes, I would do it again, but wish I'd been wiser in the beginning. :-)

--- I married my husband and would still marry him regardless of his vocation because I love him. We share the same values and goals, we complement eschewed other gifts. The church and world are a better place because of his ministry and of who he is.

--- I honestly don't know what I would do.

--- My husband was always interested in outside activities; his ministry has made it too easy for him to justify busy-ness that takes him away from family. Unfortunately, this often leaves me feeling abandoned & the children more or less ignored by him ... realistically, I think this may have happened eventually anyhow b/c of his personality / temperament. But who knows.

--- My husband is an amazing, holy and wise man. I have literally seen the grace received at his ordination transform him into an inspirational man of God. In the hard times, that gives me peace. I have also seen God pour out blessings on us after he was ordained. I know that this is God's plan for my husband and I continue to support him as he prepares for the priesthood. That being said, his calling is harder than I ever imagined. I feel alone and jealous at times of the attention the church and parishioners receive from him. I feel like he has "secrets" from me when he knows church business that I do not. (Though in truth, I know it's better for me not to know or be bothered with most of it!) Sometimes I really wish he could help me more with the kids on Sundays. And or parish is so small, I do get pulled into a lot of projects! All that being said, I would marry my husband again in a heartbeat.

--- I would still marry him. I would not have moved and gone to seminary while struggling with PPD. I would have asked the Bishop to wait another year. I am stronger in my faith and happier now that he is ordained and he is no longer a seminarian. I am still afraid of having more kids than I can handle and I feel like I'm a single parent a lot, especially at community events and at church. I have to go everywhere alone or he's too busy to help me parent. On the plus side I have had the chance to see God's blessings when we have encountered financial hardship and cheques arrive from the Knight of Columbus or from a parishioner...just in time to fix the truck or replace the worn out cassock. I trust more in God's plan for my life and the He will keep us safe.

--- Even though we both have made mistakes- I am 100% glad that this is our life!

Thank you, ladies, for answering the survey and opening your hearts! If you missed out, take the survey here and I will publish an update.  Dear readers, do you have a specific question for these clergy wives? I will be sending out interviews to a few wives, and I would love to add to the question list...