ten ways to destroy your child's love for Jesus & Church: Eastern Christian edition

1. Take the Lord's name in vain and do not reprimand your children when they take the Lord's name in vain. Tolerate media, music and movies that use our Lord's name as a swear word. 

2. Do not set Sunday aside as a day for Church and family. Don't prepare for a peaceful Sunday by filling the van up with gas the day before and tidying up said van for a peaceful trip to church. Don't set out appropriate church clothes the night before the Divine Liturgy so that the children know that Sunday is a day set apart by God. If you have a Saturday vigil at your church, make sure to just 'get church out of the way' Saturday evening so that you can be really busy all Sunday. Ignore the commandment that the Lord gave to Moses and the people of Israel- "Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy. Six days you shall labor, and do all your work, but the seventh day is a Sabbath to the LORD your God." That was the old days! Moses and then Jesus lived in must simpler times when all people had to do was farm and occasionally attend a wedding. 

Now we enlightened ones in the 21st century have homework, shopping, soccer. Make sports a top priority. Nothing could be more important in 2016. We must keep our children busy with activities like sports if we want them to be successful, normal people.Your children might become professional sports stars. Even on the off chance they do not become pros, sports teach kids sportsmanship, dedication and team work. Church is a distraction from such important sports virtues and the worst might happen if your family dedicates them to Jesus and the Church- they might become monastics- monks or nuns! Is outrage! 

the most important thing in life- best played on Sundays before lunchtime!

3. Plan to get to church late- sometime in the middle or even later in the service. Only Latin Catholics are concerned with time! It is so Roman to consider being purposefully late to church a sin! We Eastern Christians are above such concepts. We are not about sin; we are about love. Come to the service at least a half hour late, but also be certain to smugly sigh when Latin Catholics are shocked that our services can be so much longer than theirs. We stand for about three hours during church (well- if matins are offered and if we get to church and well- the priest stands for three hours. We get there when we get there) 

4. When receiving Holy Communion and leaving the church building after kissing the cross, be certain to wave, talk and guffaw to acquaintances and friends. It doesn't matter that a few Latins are trying to pray a bit in thanksgiving for the Eucharist and that you will see everyone in ten seconds outside the church and then spend an hour or more together in the coffee room; if you do not loudly greet them during the church service, they will be put out that you are not friendly. Being Christian is all about being really friendly- especially in the church building during prayer time. It is also helpful to talk with friends during the homily, most especially if your church has two homilies- in an 'old country' language and in English. Talk to your friends during the homily in the language that you do not understand. How can you be expected to be silent for five minutes! Your children certainly should not be expected to either! 

Don't be distracted by prayer in church; Hyacinth is inviting you to a candlelight supper!

5. Be sure to bring lots of toys (preferably hard plastic) and books (secular- they must be interesting- not 'fanatical' as a saint book would be) to entertain your small children. If your children are under 11 years old or so, make sure to bring lots of snacks and juice so that they do not get hungry during the hour long church service. Be sure to not demand that children go potty before church so that- even if some of the children are engaged in the service- there is constant distraction and each child eventually needing to go potty during the long hour and a bit service. 

6. If your young children are making any noise at all in church, be sure to take them out of the service and berate them angrily and do not return to the service because they might start talking again and it is just easier not to be in the building- or- take no notice that your children are loudly singing the theme to Sponge Bob during the homily. Anyway, it is the 'old country' language homily, so no one understands it except the old country immigrants. 

7. Do not forget this key way to destroy your children's faith- judge priests and religious and discuss the priest's failings frequently with your kids. Did he leave the confessional at 9:30 PM (when confessions were scheduled from 6:30 to 8:30)? Ask your kids- "what else does he have to do but minister to us?" If you see a priest on the golf course on Monday morning, ask your kids- "shouldn't he be ministering to people?" If you see your priest's grocery cart with some non-fasting items, point them out to your kids-"see, even Father doesn't fast!" Be sure to make fun of your priest's accent- Romanian, Mexican, Indian, Ghanan, Ugandan, Nigerian, Chilean- do not point out that the local mega parish of 5,000 families has not had a priestly vocation in thirty years of a 'native born' man. All the priests and deacons have funny accents. 

Complain about any money that is paid the priest. Do not give him a stipend if he administers a sacrament or comes to bless the house- he didn't get into the priesthood to get rich, right? Point out to your kids every time the priest makes a mistake in the service. If he makes a grammatical error during the homily, snort and roll your eyes so the children will notice the mistake. It is for their good; you wouldn't want them to make the same mistake! Grammar is important! 

The opportunities to judge a priest or deacon are even greater when he is married. Did his wife forget to smile? Did the children act up during church? Did any of the family drop the ball when it came to ministry? Point out their shortcomings to your children so they feel superior to those clergy family people who spend too much time in church. 

look at the chubby friar! he can't fast! What a hypocrite! 

8. What about fasting? Do not bother! Only monks and nuns fast! Well...maybe they do. Who knows! The Church is so out of touch. It is so complicated to not eat meat. We Westerners are so busy with other activities and grocery shopping is so difficult. I sometimes have to cross the street in my Honda to get to a second grocery store when I want to buy my vegan items. Such a struggle. Those in developing countries have it easier; they just have to choose between sweet potatoes and grains. 

Anyway, only liberal atheists go vegetarian. I suppose to hedge your bets, fast when in public and then eat meat when at home or in a restaurant if you think you won't bump into a fellow Eastern Christian. You wouldn't want to scandalize them. If you do decide to try and fast according to traditional guidelines, be sure to emphasize the weight you hope to lose, not the virtues you hope to strengthen. If your family does decide to fast, make sure your children feel superior to Latin Catholics with their non-existent fast.  Also, talk behind the backs of those not fasting for health or other reasons. 

9. Have no prayer life in the home. You do not want your children to be fanatics! Never talk about Jesus outside a church service. Never read the Bible in the home. Do not let the children catch you going to confession, reading the Bible or praying. Do not have an icon corner. If you do have an icon corner, use it for pretty decor (like Cher having a crucifix collection or the singer Madonna wearing rosaries in the old days) and never use it to inspire prayer. If your television is next to the icon corner, this will help keep it secular space. Do not forget to keep the television on at all times to keep the home filled with noise. 
But if you do decide to pray in the home, be certain to emphasize fire and brimstone-style theology with no talk of God's love and mercy and demand family prayer when children are tired, hungry, and thirsty and dad is busy in the garage or with video games.  

10. What to do about the ethnic 'problem' in the Eastern Churches in the US and Canada? To destroy your child's love of Jesus and the Church- you should decide to only attend a service where the priest and community are from your old country- preferably the same county. God and Church are only important because He speaks the same language, eats the same food, and wears the same national folk dress that you do. If Romanian was good enough for Jesus, it is good enough for my kids! Be certain never to attend a service of a different ethnicity even if it is the same rite. The most important part of church is hearing our old country language NOT receiving Christ in the Eucharist or being able to worship in the same rite (but different sui  juris church) in communion with Rome. 

and here's a BONUS WAY TO DESTROY YOUR CHILD'S FAITH

Allow and encourage your children to use a 'smart' phone at all times. If your children are not hooked up to internet content at all times, they will be out of step. The world is changing so swiftly, your children need to have unfettered access. Under no circumstances keep tabs on your children's internet usage. They need to know that you trust them. In addition, have a computer and television in your child's bedroom. Under no circumstances should you have standards for media usage- they need to know that you trust them to make good choices.

Very importantly, never control when they use the smart phone provided for them. They need to stay connected to friends, celebrities, and the day's viral videos. And so do you. As a mom or dad, it is important to stay your own person. Show your children that your life is important and answer every notification, text and call immediately. This is your 'me time.' A great place to use phones for the entire family is at the dinner table. Just be careful not to spill milk on the phones because getting a new phone can take a while and it is very stressful to be unconnected. 

Church services are the perfect time for your children to use their smart phone. They will be certain to stay quiet and sit still if they are watching the latest  viral video (use subtitles when possible!) or keeping tabs on their favorite boy band. Scrolling through their instagram feed so they can 'keep up with the kardashians' will keep them in the pew so grandma is satisfied having the family together for the Easter service. Writing emails can be a little too distracting to fanatics who actually try to pray during church, but teens these days usually text and IM- easier to disguise and using less movement. For younger children, keep it simple by handing them your phone to play games like candy crush and grumpy birds. Children must be entertained! They will thank you for protecting them from a bit of boredom and the fancy language and theology that is so out of date in 2016. Gotta stay with the times! 

this post was inspired by my mistakes, others' mistakes, and the book below

if you cannot keep your children from religious life or if you want retreat information for yourself, I hesitate to encourage you. It could keep you from your goal of destroying your children's faith... but here are some communities to check out if you really must....

Holy Resurrection Monastery 

Christ the Bridegroom Monastery -for women 

Holy Theophany Monastery- for women

Byzantine Catholic Monastery-Oregon 

I'm a Roman-rite Catholic- Can I change rite & become a married priest? (repost from 2012)

"Dear Panyi Matka, As a Roman Catholic with an unending love and passion for Eastern Christianity, the Priesthood, and my girlfriend, I want to know if you could provide me with some guidance as to the possibility of moving into the Byzantine Rite of the Catholic Church and becoming a married priest. Thank you and may God be with you and your family always. In Christ, S---."

My first interior response was along the lines of- here is another Latin-rite Catholic 'using' us Byzantines for our traditional Liturgy/married priesthood possibility/opportunity to be a big fish in a very small pond instead of one in five thousand at the local Roman-rite church. He would put up with our smallness and different-ness for a year or two and then go back to his Latin roots (literally- I think the writer is Latino or Italian in origin) But then I got a hold of myself and re-read his question.

Father Maximos of Holy Resurrection Monastery has stated that a person's primary vocation is either celibacy or marriage. This might seem counter-intuitive because the priesthood is an eternal mark on the soul while marriage is not, but one should begin with discerning whether celibacy or marriage is God's plan for their life. The priesthood is a possibility with both a vocation to celibacy (a vocation to celibacy makes being a monk or priest monk possible) and marriage for a man. 

But the Roman-rite has not had a married priesthood as a normal matter of course for hundreds of years. So what does this mean for a Latin-rite man's discernment process? Even if he likes Liturgy and theology and the Church and the idea of becoming a priest, if he has discerned marriage, the priesthood should be off the table. The diaconate is a distant possibility, but diocesan policies usually limit study for the diaconate to a man who has been married for many years. So as heartless as it sounds, a Latin-rite man who has discerned marriage (yes- even before he has found a future wife-possibility) should realize that the priesthood is not available to him. He should not attempt to finagle a way such as become Anglican and then attempt a change to Roman-rite Catholicism  or become Byzantine-rite and then really be Roman-rite with bi-ritual faculties. This is just not right or holy. 

My husband- from the old country where most priests are married with children- discerned both marriage and a hoped-for call to the priesthood when he was seventeen. Everything education-wise and professionally has a connection to his priesthood and his obligation to support his family. When he was in seminary in his country, his bishop invited those seminarians who planned on remaining celibate to study for their Master's degree in Rome. He knew that he planned on getting married, so he declined the invitation. His integrity was more important than that. And I believe that God has rewarded his honorable interactions with his bishop. He was able to study in France for two summers and in Austria for a year. He was given permission to start a ministry in the United States. But he has never been to Rome.

So in a very roundabout way, I am advising the writer to be honorable. If you have discerned marriage, then that is what you must do. If you feel the Byzantine rite truly calling your heart, then  become involved with the closest church and begin the process to officially change your rite. I would hope that your girlfriend would change as well. You should change your rite with no thought to a future priesthood. You need to live about two years of being only Byzantine before you should contact the bishop. Practically, the Romanian and Ukrainian eparchies are more open to married men working towards the priesthood, but the Ruthenian eparchies are more pan-cultural and American. 

Be honorable and be honest with yourself. If your dream as a priest involves Ash Wednesday ash distribution, not singing Alleluia during Lent, preaching in front of a thousand people, rosaries and adoration, the Byzantine-rite will not fulfill the dream. This is why living a Byzantine life for about two years is important for you to discern if this is the life you want. In addition, every pre-seminarian and seminarian (of all rites) must realize that they will or won't be ordained at the bishop's pleasure. The priesthood is not a right even when one has all the education. In the Byzantine rite of ordination, the bishop asks the people- Is he worthy? and the candidate hopes and prays that the people will sing, "Axios!" 

on a very practical note: a married man hoping to be ordained a (Byzantine-rite) priest should figure out how he will support himself and his family. Byzantine-Catholic churches are generally small and poor. If it is very small (like our two missions), he can plan to work an outside job. If grandma or auntie live close by and are willing and the church is too big to be away from, the wife might work outside the home. Different families have different solutions. The writer needs to prepare himself for a future with or without the priesthood.

....And maybe most importantly- the wife needs to be enthusiastic about a possible priesthood. She doesn't need to delude herself into thinking that all will be sunshine and roses. I knew that the day of my husband's priestly ordination was the day that satan really had the desire to destroy him and his family. But I was still game for the adventure. But if the girlfriend/wife is not hopeful and positive about it, stop. This may mean that he should not pursue this path. He was married first. As painful as it might be, he is called to be married first and then find a way to serve our Lord in His Church- just not with the priesthood.

7 reasons to say YES & marry your Byzantine Catholic seminarian boyfriend

In 2013, I wrote a post entitled '7 reasons NOT to marry your Byzantine Catholic seminarian boyfriend,' I was informed recently that this post betrayed my bitter and resentful heart, the ranting of a priest's wife who perhaps does not want to be one. As you might surmise, I disagree 100% with my critic and stand by my realistic view of married clergy life. I did feel inspired, however, to write a positive post with no qualifications or cautionary tales. Read my 'don't marry him' post for the other side if you like!

  "Marriage is a duel to the death which no man of honour should decline." G.K. Chesterton 

seminarians in the old country wear clerics... and get married in them

1. Why marry a seminarian? He is bound to be the spiritual head of the household- your own Saint Joseph, protector and provider for your family.

2. You will build character. You will be challenged. You will work on virtue. 

3. You can be assured that your husband is constantly praying for grace in marriage and for your salvation. Lots of husbands are like this, but a priest-husband is the best of them all when it comes to prayer for family. He sees the 'wages of sin' up close every day, so a holy priest-husband is alert to attacks from the evil one and prays and uses the sacraments to ward them off. 

4. You will build a strong family culture- father, mother and children. Besides confession and financial council meetings, the family will do just about everything with father, helping the church ministry. Your clergy family culture will mean that you all depend on each other because not many other people will understand your life with its triumphs and challenges. You will develop plenty of family culture inside jokes and 'auto-pilot' ways of getting through the week. Family traditions will come about- very different than other families, but good for you! Perhaps Saint Nicholas does not come until the afternoon; this was true for us for about 12 years. We are also blessed to have extended family comprised of devout Catholics because it really is we plus the extended family 'against the world.' 

5. You really will be the reason why he is able to minister to people on the saddest, most tragic, worst days of their lives. Knowing that there is a family at home depending on him will motivate him to work hard for the kingdom of God- and for you. Knowing that there is a wife waiting at home with a cup of chamomile tea might make it easier to make a sick call in the middle of the night!

6. You will be honored by being close to God is His sacraments. You will most likely need to be at every marriage, baptism and funeral to support your husband in his ministry. You will probably help at the house blessings as well, seeing families in their natural setting and getting to know them better. Because we borrow space from a Roman-rite parish, we have to reserve the Eucharist in our home for the Pre-Sanctified Liturgy on weekdays during the Great Fast. There is a lot of grace waiting for you and the children there in the little tabernacle. 

7. When he is dismissed, discounted, disrespected because of his marital status, you and the children will make it worth it. You, wife of a Byzantine Catholic or Orthodox seminarian, will have a front-row seat to seeing God's grace in action! The sacraments of marriage and holy orders really do work if we let them!

What concrete steps could improve your Eastern Christian faith community? survey results

In the words of one of the priests, teach them that it's a church, not a club. We need to reach out and bring in, one by one, the scattered and lost

more spirituality

projects to help needy / sick / incarcerated

I'm not sure, we have regular teachings and lots of activities already, but maybe keeping our website updated would be a good start.

Encourage men that are married to educate at local seminaries rather than up and leave family to study at the designated seminaries. I believe this may encourage an increase in men who are considering the priesthood.

We'd love to have a permanent community in this area that we could attend more regularly.

Visitors not being run out by obnoxious behavior by a zealous nationalist, or something like that

Try to go to more services, learn more about the faith.

Active outreach to unchurched/dissatisfied; public events to raise visibility; efforts on the part of members to bring more people to parish

that some members would attend Divine Liturgy more frequently.

More open and growth oriented.

Pews gotta go!! I'm always trying to be an "non-ethnic" promoter of the parish, and welcoming to visitors. I have been thinking about doing "St. Paul Street Evangelization" for the parish. I wrote a book about the icons in the temple. I take a turn reading the epistle, and try to do a good job. Amateurish reading detracts from the liturgy. We have icons in Greek and in the ethnic language. We have a few icons without names, and I tried to get them added in English, but got shot down. I think even a couple icons in English would send a message to visitors. Change the name of the sui iuris church, at how it's referred to in English. From what I can tell, the band we have now only dates from the mid-20th century, and the patriarch discussed changing it in the 1990s.

Something like an organized Eparchical RCIA. Training in things like an organized evangelization. Training and encouragement in things like the Byzantine Divine Office.

Outreach to others in need throughout the community. Currently, they only care for Greeks.

I figure the best thing I can do at this point is pray and try to be kind to fellow parishioners.

Closer cooperation with other Eastern Christian communities, both Catholic and Orthodox.

More clergy

Extending an invitation to others to visit our parish and worship with us more often.

better advertising perhaps.

Getting help from the bishop for new books, and a better church website.

If I had the answer to this, it would be wonderful

I have given this much thought. in my childhood, my father became a cantor and our entire family has served in several Byzantine parishes in many, many capacities throughout my lifetime. I personally have taught ECF for over 30 years until just a few years ago when the program was disbanded. I am at a loss...I just wish there was more enthusiasm on the part of the clergy. They just seem so tired. They are stretched so thin that there is no time for spiritual fatherhood. They don't reach out anymore. My humble opinion is that it may be time to merge parishes to give us the sense of community that we long for, and a priest who has time to take care of us, and who takes the spiritual leadership of his flock seriously. Many here are so apathetic, and it is difficult for their flock to feel otherwise when they are faced with such leadership.

I'm not sure what I can do, someone suggested we start a young adult group but then stopped attending the parish.

Change the priest. Barring that, have the priest understand that the people have good ideas too and to listen. Have a parish council. Have ECF and adult education and teen groups.

Better pastoral leadership - concrete action to help disciple believers and lead the congregation to a "faith that works".

evangelisation, more parish activities, more parish sponsored open invitation events

Printed and digital newsletter, digital bulletin on web site, frequent web updates

If we could provide our priest with housing, he would not have to work full-time outside of the parish.

If we could grow it. For example, being raised Roman Catholic I kind-of (in a very fringe way) may have known Eastern Catholics existed but I knew nothing about them.

We need more fellowship. We have limited space but when we do have a social event we overflow into the church. We need to do more of this. I know it's not supposed to be about the money but we need to do a major fundraiser. It has been over ten years since our last one.

Offer more liturgical services.

Evangelization

Try to stay out of and dispel conflicts. Try to be impartial and peaceful and lead by example of God's Love. At some point try to get my head organized enough to come up with something for the young adults to participate in and enjoy.

More youth activities, more effort to make visitors welcome.

Better catechesis??

More clergy.

Priest in residence

Reach out to the community to grow our parish, make others aware that the church is here.

Invite more people my age, help the young people feel welcome and appreciated

1. better cantors 2. regular choir rehearsals 3. Reaching out to those that now attend Latin churches 4. Having a Bible study

A hungry administrator ready to evangelize the people.

Education of the parishioners in what is truly their tradition.

They need more parishes for the unchurched or churched immigrants who live far away.

doing more akathists

Act as if one's eternal destiny depended on one's faith, and then spread that faith to others.

Evangelization to unchurched

prayer

Bigger building would encourage growth. Congregation may be right sized for our tiny chapel.

Education classes on the bible and the liturgy and theology.

a younger priest able to offer all the feast days, etc.

Actually my friend and I organized an after church lunch/coffee hour! Next week will be the first one so I hope it goes well. I was craving more community with them.

Increased church and activity attendance

A priest and regular access to the Divine Mysteries. Our own space from whence we could engage in evangelization and outreach to the community.

The priest could use some help, additional priest.

emphasis on Byzantine tradition and follow the typikon; release financial statements

More outreach to nonbelievers, other Rites.

I'd like to see the kids do more because I believe that will lead to them feeling more ownership which means they will be more likely to stay with us as adults.

being a Community instead of paying lip service to it

I'm a Latin Catholic - not in a position to say one way or another

Find ways to better integrate the local population.

Catechism and falling in love with the Divine Liturgy.

We'd try to build steps to greater evangelization, using our personal talents/skills advantageously.

More-dynamic preaching, stronger leadership from the pastor (saying this doesn't cancel out the problem with clericalism), finding some way to involve single people that's not bound up in the traditional "men's club"/"ladies' guild" activities

Outreach to help the community grow. Education program.

More regular liturgy

Getting more people more involved, instead of just the same core people doing things.

Getting more parishioners involved in chanting the Epistle, helping to cantor (especially men), & having some men help to serve at the altar. It would also be nice having a deacon in our parish.

I do not attend Divine Liturgy enough to offer any advice.

Increase membership

We invite friends. We are as active as we can be. We pray the Lord will sustain us.

Outreach to younger families.

The demographic of the city has changed significantly since the founding of the church, so to reach our base we need a mission that is close to their suburbs; we also need to open the church to the neighborhood and local colleges

The parish needs a good, regular Bible Study.

'Eastern Catholic & Orthodox laity & visitors' survey results- some demographics

In which church were you baptized?

Catholic, Roman-rite 42% of respondents

Catholic, Byzantine-rite-- 36% 

Catholic, Eastern-rite other than Byzantine-- 1% 

Orthodox-- 3% 

non-liturgical Christian (such as Baptist, non-denominational)-- 8% 

liturgical Christian (such as Lutheran, Episcopalian)(non-Catholic or Orthodox)-- 11% 

non-Christian 0.00% 

no religion 0%

---As an infant I was baptized in the Orthodox Church. When I was 11 or 12 my parents joined the Byzantine Catholic Church & I was rebaptized [hmm- this should not have happened] & reconfirmed.

---baptized in a Protestant church, became Byzantine Rite Catholic at age 17

---Baptised again in Roman Catholic church because the baptismal records from Episcopal church could not be found (after I became Catholic).

Which Eastern Catholic or Orthodox church do you worship in the most frequently?

Byzantine Catholic- same jurisdiction as my confirmation/chrismation/canonical status-- 28.92% 

Byzantine Catholic- different jurisdiction as my confirmation/ chrismation/canonical status -- 33.73% 

Byzantine Catholic regular visitor-- 7.23% 

Other Eastern Catholic (specify in comments)-- 8.43% 

Orthodox- same jurisdiction as my confirmation/ chrismation/canonical status -- 10.84% 

Orthodox- different jurisdiction as my confirmation/ chrismation/canonical status -- 3.61% 

Orthodox regular visitor-- 7.23%

---Not sure which to check as none match our situation. My husband and I were both raised RC but started attending a Byzantine Rite Catholic Church shortly after we were married. Ten years later we canonically transferred to that Church. [I should have specified ‘attend same jurisdiction as confirmation/canonical status or something like that- I am going to change it!]

--- I was not confirmed, I was crismated 

--- I guess Byz Cath but different from confirmation jurisdiction is right. We transferred Rites several years ago, so we only occasionally attend Roman Catholic Mass anymore. We are officially Byzantine, and attend a parish of our official jurisdiction as well...but since my spouse and I were confirmed RC, it's actually a different Rite altogether.

--- Ruthenian and Romanian

--- Latin rite Catholic canonically, attempting to transfer to Melkites, attend Russian Catholic Church

--- I belong to an Orthodox parish but I was confirmed at birth when baptized in a Byzantine Catholic Church.

--- Became Orthodox, via Chrismation. My pastor said there was no re-do of sacraments.

--- I am Roman Catholic but I am a regular visitor to your great blog. I do attend Byzantine Catholic Divine Liturgy very infrequently because it is so far away.

--- Canonically Latins but planning to request Change of Ritual Church. All of our children think of themselves as Byzantines.

I need ten more respondents! Click here if you have not taken the survey!