7 QuickTakes- Kids & Church

Dana Carvey as 'the church lady' on SNL

Have I told you about the time Baby Girl put long-lasting lip gloss around her eyes like mascara during Mass? I had the courage to close my eyes and pray because we were at my parents' Roman-rite parish. I had no responsibilities- except watching after my kids- so I closed my eyes for a bit to meditate. Whoops! It didn't take her long to quietly open up my purse and make herself up. Using baby wipes helped, but her eyes looked sort of bloodshot for awhile. It was embarrassing, but babies will be babies. And I learn to really keep my eyes on her now!


In my last quick takes post, I wrote a bit about my shock in seeing an almost pre-teen boy playing on his IPad during the entire Divine Liturgy while seated between his praying grandparents. It was depressing. What can we as parents and as Church do to help the next generation engage during religious services? Here are some ideas:

1. As always, it starts with the family. Are the parents trying to practice virtue? Are they loving and gentle even while disciplining? No one is perfect, but blatant hypocrisy (being an active alcoholic while preaching on the importance of teetotalism, for example) will ensure that the children will find no value in the Church. Yes, mom and dad- you represent God's love to your children.

2. In order to participate in church services- or at least stay seated without wailing- the family has to make prayer a priority at home. It can be a quick grace before and after meals (yes, even in a restaurant). I hope every Byzantine Catholic reading has an icon corner where morning and evening prayers are said. Personally, I recommend not being too long in your family prayers (but I know many families that pray a nightly family rosary and it seems to 'work'). A daily habit of family prayer will go a long way in making church services a normal thing the family does. And church services on Sunday (or a Saturday vigil) must always be attended. It becomes a (hopefully happy) habit to be in church on Sundays with the family.

3. Bringing stuff into church might be frowned on, but I do it. We are seeing the light at the end of the tunnel with Boy, but Baby Girl still needs stuff....or maybe I need it. In any case, set yourself up for success. Change diapers and/or go to the bathroom right before the service begins. Depending on the timing of Mass, eat something right before (string cheese isn't messy) and consider bringing in water sippy cups for the little ones. Anything with noise is not allowed. We are trying to teach respect for others- so nothing that makes music or lights up. My rule of thumb is two quiet things (a stuffed animal, a car that doesn't squeak, a book) per little child. Some families are successful with nothing but the missal, but I need to be able to cantor, so a few quiet things for the little ones to focus on are necessary. I am trying to find that impossible balance so they won't hate churchgoing. about food- Babies are another story; they get the milk they need in whatever form they are used to. So if someone gives you the stink-eye for discretely nursing your 3-month old, tell them "Priest's Wife" said it was okay. Watch their brain explode.

4. But maybe the boy with the IPad and the grandparents doesn't have churchgoing parents so the Divine Liturgy was something new and boring to him. How can they instill in the boy a love for God and His Church when his parents don't care? First of all- the grandparents need to pray for the boy's parents and the boy...then...

5. Insist on basic manners during church services. This means- no electronic devices during the Mass- ever. It also means that he should be asked to assume the posture of the people around him, like standing for the reading of the Gospel. I remember a non-U S citizen in high school who would stand for the pledge of allegiance to the US flag but not say the words or have his hand over his heart. I think he got it just right. Basic manners doesn't mean he has to sing along with the congregation (my parents insisted we do this even in our sullen teenage years) or even make the sign of the cross. Basic means that his presence in the church doesn't offend other people and distract young children from the service with a blinking electronic tablet.

6. Let's imagine that the grandparents get to have their grandson over every other weekend or even once a month. Now, church is going to be a part of his life with his grandparents, but it is not a part of his life the other times. In this situation, the grandparents should ask for the direction of their parish priest. One possibility is for one grandparent to leave the church with the grandson at the liturgy of the Eucharist (like in the old days when the catechumens left for instruction) to shorten the time he is in the church and so that he will not be receiving the Eucharist. Of course, if he is engaged in Mass and is missing Sundays through no fault of his own, he should ask the priest if he can receive. 

The grandparents should really try not to accuse the parents of dereliction of duty. The child will most likely be confused and 'side' with his parents. Grandparents should make church services as stress-free as possible. Expect more from an older child. Ask him- what was the Gospel? What did the priest say about the Gospel? Which icon is your favorite in the church? Training a child to be respectful and quiet/prayerful for a little over an hour once a week will have life-long benefits. He might even be able to sit peacefully for an exam or a job interview.

7. And for all those who see/hear unchurched-boy-with-grandparents or toddler-having-a-fit, have mercy! Keep your eyes closed during church, try to ignore any distractions, imagine that Jesus had to deal with loudly baaing sheep during the Sermon on the Mount. He didn't complain; He said "Let the little children come to me" (14 verses later in St Matthew's Gospel). Try to ignore the imperfect behavior and be happy to hear a few kerfuffles. A church is dead if there are no young families. Yes, children need to be disciplined and guided, but if church is going to be a part of their spiritual life, the guidance needs to be slow and gentle because IPads are instantly interesting and they require nothing from us. Technology from the 21st century is just so much more blinky than a 2,000 year old Liturgy. Let's lovingly help the next generation learn there is more to life than the latest gadget.

find many more quick takes at conversiondiary.com