why I didn't receive the Holy Eucharist at our Easter Divine Liturgy

Christ is risen! Hristos a inviat! 

We got home on Great and Holy Friday after midnight. Saturday was filled with activity, baking, cleaning, preparing for Pascha; my priest husband left at 4 PM to drive 90 miles to replace a priest who moved back to Romania so that the community could have an Easter vigil. He got home after midnight. Of course, I did not sleep. We got up at 3:30 and arrived to set up our mission (the Roman Catholics allow us to have services there) at 4:30. Resurrection Matins and the Divine Liturgy started at 5 AM. A person who I did not recognize called Father away about 15 minutes before the services started. Confession perhaps? In any case, we weren't able to get the clergy, altar servers (a few guest servers), and cantors (me and my server/cantor son) together for a debriefing on the services. 

At 4:55, a parishioner came up to me and asked how to help. I froze. I am sure I had a rude expression on my face. I can give excuses. I was exhausted. I was hungry. I was frustrated that the most important service of the year was 'hijacked' by a visitor who wanted to talk to my husband. I was also frustrated that he did not ask the person to wait until after the services. But then he didn't physically have time after our services because he had three more to celebrate Easter Sunday.  

So, I decided not to receive Our Lord in the Eucharist until I could find some peace with the parishioner. I do not suffer from scrupulosity, but I 100% agree in making peace with your brother before you approach the altar. 

So when you are offering your gift at the altar, if you remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar and go; first be reconciled to your brother and then come and offer your gift. Matthew 5:23-24

Dear reader, you might be scandalized by this post, and I ask your forgiveness. That is the main reason why I post almost never. I have been accused of being bitter, angry, anti-Roman, anti-Orthodox, a bad Christian. It is never my intention to bring scandal or to hurt anyone's feelings. I would love to share the entire truth of my life. In any case, I hope this post inspires you to be compassionate to the humanity in your clergy (celibate or not) and their families (if they have a family) and also to make their burdens a bit lighter. See if there is something you can do to help. They might be so busy keeping their heads above water that they will not have a good response to 'how can I help?' 5 minutes before a service begins. 

and yes- multiple people ask me why when I do not receive the Eucharist, I sometimes forgo because I am cantoring and my throat is very sensitive. If I swallow the wrong way, I will not be able to sing the responses. Luckily, we go to a second service as a family so I can receive then if my soul permits) - and yes- this is a doozy of a post after months away.... Christ is risen! 

Old-fashioned, traditional marriage advice from a 4th century celibate

Pick Virtue Rather than Riches When Selecting a Good Husband

First, look for a husband who will really be a husband and a protector; remember that you are placing a head on a body. When your daughter is to be married, don’t look for how much money a man has. Don’t worry about his nationality or his family’s social position […] When you are satisfied that the man is virtuous and decide what day they will be married, beseech Christ to be present at the wedding. He is not ashamed to come for marriage is an image of His presence in the Church. Even better than this: pray that your children will each find such a virtuous spouse; entrust this concern of yours into His hands. If you honor Him in this way, He will return honor for honor.

Advice on How to Pick a Wife

Since we know all this, let us seek just one thing in a wife, virtue of soul and nobility of character, so that we may enjoy tranquility, so that we may luxuriate in harmony and lasting love. The man who takes a rich wife takes a boss rather than a wife. If even without wealth women are with pride and prone to the love of fame, if they have wealth in addition, how will their husbands be able to stand them? The man, however, who takes a wife of equal position or poorer than himself takes a helper and ally and brings every blessing into his house. Her own poverty forces her to care for her husband with great concern, to yield to him and obey him in everything. It removes every occasion of strife, battle, presumption, and pride. It binds the couple in peace, harmony, love, and concord. Let us not, therefore, seek to have money, but to have peace, in order to enjoy happiness. Marriage does not exist to fill our houses with war and battles, to give us strife and contention, to pit us against each other and make our life unlivable. It exists in order that we may enjoy another’s help, that we may have a harbor, a refuge, and a consolation in troubles which hang over us, and that we may converse happily with our wife. How many wealthy men who have taken rich wives and increased their substance have yet destroyed their happiness and harmony, as they contend in daily battles at table? How many poor men who have taken poorer wives now enjoy peace and look upon each day’s  sun with joy? 

(Chrysostom, St. John. On Marriage and Family Life. Crestwood, NY: St. Vladimir’s Seminary Press, 1986)

Does this advice still hold true or do we moderns know better? 

Is Pope Francis open to married men becoming Roman-rite Catholic priests?

There have been rumblings throughout the blogosphere about the latest musings of the Holy Father. Should married men be permitted- as a norm- to be ordained Roman-rite priests?  Dear reader, you should (rightly) say, "Hey, priest's wife! You are Romanian Byzantine Catholic! It is none of your business what the Roman-rite does! keep out of it!" 

don't worry- this is an 'old country' Eastern Catholic seminarian marrying- men wear their best clothing to their marriage, and his clerics would be his best clothing 

Very well. I will keep out of it- after I share some thoughts...these old chestnuts....

Read: Throwing Priests' Wives Under the Bus (about a former Anglican priest turned Catholic priest who stated that he would be a more dedicated priest if he were celibate) 

my words: 

Everyone should accept and develop their lives depending upon their vocation and not advocate against their state in life. It is ungrateful to be otherwise. His public thoughts of being a more devoted priest if he weren't with family responsibilities is unfair. While he can advocate for celibacy in general, theological terms, the specifics of his situation should be positive only. I know these are strong words, but he is ungrateful in that he is a minuscule exception to the celibacy requirement in the Roman-rite. I understand that some married priests want to stay 'under the radar,' so don't mention your marriage at all. We all have misgivings and frustrations with our state in life. 

Have you ever met a mother who is vocal about her preference for the opposite sex that her baby turned out to be? The baby is all dressed in blue, and the mom sighs that she's disappointed that she doesn't get to buy all the cute pink ruffly clothes. I must confess that I find that attitude really disturbing. It's one thing to say 'a girl would be fun' before the sex of the baby is known, but when that sweet baby is in your arms, he needs your total acceptance and love. 

What if your husband was having second thoughts about being married to you? What if he fantasized about being married to the girl he dated before you met him? What if he published a Facebook status update like: "I would be a more devoted husband if I didn't have to deal with Sarah's lupus. I could have devoted more to my career if Maria had married me." Devastating, no? 

Read: Sad Days (about Roman rite commenters who want Eastern-types to shut it) 

my words:

WHY OH WHY do people think that by accepting the East's 2,000 year tradition of married men priests and their dignity and worthiness leads to....married men being ordained de facto in the West, altar girls, extraordinary ministers of the Eucharist, women 'priests,' clown masses, blessings with bubbles and sage, embracing divorce and remarriage, birth control, abortion, meat buffets on Fridays, abandoning Holy Days of Obligation, global warming, etc and etc...We just want our sui juris church to be respected. We love the Holy Father and the Catholic Church. Let me be a broken record for a bit; the Church is bigger than my microscopic rite and the Roman rite- no matter the majority the Roman rite has.

Read: Sex & the Married Priesthood: Ceasing Marital Relations within Marriage a "Praiseworthy Thing"? (a former Episcopalian priest announces that he will no longer have relations with his wife after being ordained a Catholic priest)

my words: 

I say that it is impossible for a loving married couple (a couple not in an extremely rare Josephite marriage from the beginning) to be perfectly continent because marital relations is much more than intercourse. It is an emotional intimacy with another person that a celibate person does not experience. Marital relations is to receive a cup of coffee lovingly from your wife, as you can see from the video of Deacon John. If he entered a monastery, a housekeeper or a fellow monk giving him coffee would be a completely different thing. Marital relations is to be frustrated together over the latest mistake a child has made. Marital relations is to buy the stinky cheese that he likes so much. Marital relations is to clip coupons and soak beans cheerfully. To reduce marital relations to simply sexual intercourse (the lack of intercourse being the perfect continence required supposedly by canon 277) is to reduce us to animals who rut without thinking.

and here is the last blog post I could find about the subject...The Challenge of Celibacy: Let's NOT talk about Sex  (it's about the single life and selfishness) 

my words:

We all know amazing celibate priests who are always thinking of the other person. He might golf on Monday morning as a hobby, but his cell phone is open to calls and he doesn't allow a gate keeper secretary to be a barrier to contact with his parishioners. Celibacy and continence are challenges, but Roman-rite priests know what they are getting into and, I suspect, focus on protecting themselves from sin in these serious matters. Selfishness is a much smaller sin, but it tends to creep in and make itself at home. A selfish person who is also a giver- like I was- work, work, working for God but then ignoring that call that they know is a hospital call. A selfish person insists on his hamburger super-rare (just pass it over a lit candle) even when the waitress says the health board won't let her sell it rare. A selfish person needs, even while complaining of burn-out, to choose all the music selections and flower arrangements so that things will be perfect (for him/her).

agree? disagree? any other thoughts? leave a comment! 

ten ways to destroy your child's love for Jesus & Church: Eastern Christian edition

1. Take the Lord's name in vain and do not reprimand your children when they take the Lord's name in vain. Tolerate media, music and movies that use our Lord's name as a swear word. 

2. Do not set Sunday aside as a day for Church and family. Don't prepare for a peaceful Sunday by filling the van up with gas the day before and tidying up said van for a peaceful trip to church. Don't set out appropriate church clothes the night before the Divine Liturgy so that the children know that Sunday is a day set apart by God. If you have a Saturday vigil at your church, make sure to just 'get church out of the way' Saturday evening so that you can be really busy all Sunday. Ignore the commandment that the Lord gave to Moses and the people of Israel- "Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy. Six days you shall labor, and do all your work, but the seventh day is a Sabbath to the LORD your God." That was the old days! Moses and then Jesus lived in must simpler times when all people had to do was farm and occasionally attend a wedding. 

Now we enlightened ones in the 21st century have homework, shopping, soccer. Make sports a top priority. Nothing could be more important in 2016. We must keep our children busy with activities like sports if we want them to be successful, normal people.Your children might become professional sports stars. Even on the off chance they do not become pros, sports teach kids sportsmanship, dedication and team work. Church is a distraction from such important sports virtues and the worst might happen if your family dedicates them to Jesus and the Church- they might become monastics- monks or nuns! Is outrage! 

the most important thing in life- best played on Sundays before lunchtime!

3. Plan to get to church late- sometime in the middle or even later in the service. Only Latin Catholics are concerned with time! It is so Roman to consider being purposefully late to church a sin! We Eastern Christians are above such concepts. We are not about sin; we are about love. Come to the service at least a half hour late, but also be certain to smugly sigh when Latin Catholics are shocked that our services can be so much longer than theirs. We stand for about three hours during church (well- if matins are offered and if we get to church and well- the priest stands for three hours. We get there when we get there) 

4. When receiving Holy Communion and leaving the church building after kissing the cross, be certain to wave, talk and guffaw to acquaintances and friends. It doesn't matter that a few Latins are trying to pray a bit in thanksgiving for the Eucharist and that you will see everyone in ten seconds outside the church and then spend an hour or more together in the coffee room; if you do not loudly greet them during the church service, they will be put out that you are not friendly. Being Christian is all about being really friendly- especially in the church building during prayer time. It is also helpful to talk with friends during the homily, most especially if your church has two homilies- in an 'old country' language and in English. Talk to your friends during the homily in the language that you do not understand. How can you be expected to be silent for five minutes! Your children certainly should not be expected to either! 

Don't be distracted by prayer in church; Hyacinth is inviting you to a candlelight supper!

5. Be sure to bring lots of toys (preferably hard plastic) and books (secular- they must be interesting- not 'fanatical' as a saint book would be) to entertain your small children. If your children are under 11 years old or so, make sure to bring lots of snacks and juice so that they do not get hungry during the hour long church service. Be sure to not demand that children go potty before church so that- even if some of the children are engaged in the service- there is constant distraction and each child eventually needing to go potty during the long hour and a bit service. 

6. If your young children are making any noise at all in church, be sure to take them out of the service and berate them angrily and do not return to the service because they might start talking again and it is just easier not to be in the building- or- take no notice that your children are loudly singing the theme to Sponge Bob during the homily. Anyway, it is the 'old country' language homily, so no one understands it except the old country immigrants. 

7. Do not forget this key way to destroy your children's faith- judge priests and religious and discuss the priest's failings frequently with your kids. Did he leave the confessional at 9:30 PM (when confessions were scheduled from 6:30 to 8:30)? Ask your kids- "what else does he have to do but minister to us?" If you see a priest on the golf course on Monday morning, ask your kids- "shouldn't he be ministering to people?" If you see your priest's grocery cart with some non-fasting items, point them out to your kids-"see, even Father doesn't fast!" Be sure to make fun of your priest's accent- Romanian, Mexican, Indian, Ghanan, Ugandan, Nigerian, Chilean- do not point out that the local mega parish of 5,000 families has not had a priestly vocation in thirty years of a 'native born' man. All the priests and deacons have funny accents. 

Complain about any money that is paid the priest. Do not give him a stipend if he administers a sacrament or comes to bless the house- he didn't get into the priesthood to get rich, right? Point out to your kids every time the priest makes a mistake in the service. If he makes a grammatical error during the homily, snort and roll your eyes so the children will notice the mistake. It is for their good; you wouldn't want them to make the same mistake! Grammar is important! 

The opportunities to judge a priest or deacon are even greater when he is married. Did his wife forget to smile? Did the children act up during church? Did any of the family drop the ball when it came to ministry? Point out their shortcomings to your children so they feel superior to those clergy family people who spend too much time in church. 

look at the chubby friar! he can't fast! What a hypocrite! 

8. What about fasting? Do not bother! Only monks and nuns fast! Well...maybe they do. Who knows! The Church is so out of touch. It is so complicated to not eat meat. We Westerners are so busy with other activities and grocery shopping is so difficult. I sometimes have to cross the street in my Honda to get to a second grocery store when I want to buy my vegan items. Such a struggle. Those in developing countries have it easier; they just have to choose between sweet potatoes and grains. 

Anyway, only liberal atheists go vegetarian. I suppose to hedge your bets, fast when in public and then eat meat when at home or in a restaurant if you think you won't bump into a fellow Eastern Christian. You wouldn't want to scandalize them. If you do decide to try and fast according to traditional guidelines, be sure to emphasize the weight you hope to lose, not the virtues you hope to strengthen. If your family does decide to fast, make sure your children feel superior to Latin Catholics with their non-existent fast.  Also, talk behind the backs of those not fasting for health or other reasons. 

9. Have no prayer life in the home. You do not want your children to be fanatics! Never talk about Jesus outside a church service. Never read the Bible in the home. Do not let the children catch you going to confession, reading the Bible or praying. Do not have an icon corner. If you do have an icon corner, use it for pretty decor (like Cher having a crucifix collection or the singer Madonna wearing rosaries in the old days) and never use it to inspire prayer. If your television is next to the icon corner, this will help keep it secular space. Do not forget to keep the television on at all times to keep the home filled with noise. 
But if you do decide to pray in the home, be certain to emphasize fire and brimstone-style theology with no talk of God's love and mercy and demand family prayer when children are tired, hungry, and thirsty and dad is busy in the garage or with video games.  

10. What to do about the ethnic 'problem' in the Eastern Churches in the US and Canada? To destroy your child's love of Jesus and the Church- you should decide to only attend a service where the priest and community are from your old country- preferably the same county. God and Church are only important because He speaks the same language, eats the same food, and wears the same national folk dress that you do. If Romanian was good enough for Jesus, it is good enough for my kids! Be certain never to attend a service of a different ethnicity even if it is the same rite. The most important part of church is hearing our old country language NOT receiving Christ in the Eucharist or being able to worship in the same rite (but different sui  juris church) in communion with Rome. 

and here's a BONUS WAY TO DESTROY YOUR CHILD'S FAITH

Allow and encourage your children to use a 'smart' phone at all times. If your children are not hooked up to internet content at all times, they will be out of step. The world is changing so swiftly, your children need to have unfettered access. Under no circumstances keep tabs on your children's internet usage. They need to know that you trust them. In addition, have a computer and television in your child's bedroom. Under no circumstances should you have standards for media usage- they need to know that you trust them to make good choices.

Very importantly, never control when they use the smart phone provided for them. They need to stay connected to friends, celebrities, and the day's viral videos. And so do you. As a mom or dad, it is important to stay your own person. Show your children that your life is important and answer every notification, text and call immediately. This is your 'me time.' A great place to use phones for the entire family is at the dinner table. Just be careful not to spill milk on the phones because getting a new phone can take a while and it is very stressful to be unconnected. 

Church services are the perfect time for your children to use their smart phone. They will be certain to stay quiet and sit still if they are watching the latest  viral video (use subtitles when possible!) or keeping tabs on their favorite boy band. Scrolling through their instagram feed so they can 'keep up with the kardashians' will keep them in the pew so grandma is satisfied having the family together for the Easter service. Writing emails can be a little too distracting to fanatics who actually try to pray during church, but teens these days usually text and IM- easier to disguise and using less movement. For younger children, keep it simple by handing them your phone to play games like candy crush and grumpy birds. Children must be entertained! They will thank you for protecting them from a bit of boredom and the fancy language and theology that is so out of date in 2016. Gotta stay with the times! 

this post was inspired by my mistakes, others' mistakes, and the book below

if you cannot keep your children from religious life or if you want retreat information for yourself, I hesitate to encourage you. It could keep you from your goal of destroying your children's faith... but here are some communities to check out if you really must....

Holy Resurrection Monastery 

Christ the Bridegroom Monastery -for women 

Holy Theophany Monastery- for women

Byzantine Catholic Monastery-Oregon 

to the new priest's wife, wondering & worrying about the future

This comment was recently sent to me: 

I have been a priest’s wife for just under two days. Please pray for me. I have no idea what the future has in store for us!!

Please pray for this new priest, priest's wife, and any children they have!

Bless this marriage and his priestly ordination and grant unto these Your servants  a peaceful life, length of days, chastity, love for one another in a bond of peace, offspring long‑lived, fair fame by reason of their children, and a crown of glory that does not fade away.

Account them worthy to see their children's children. Keep their wedlock safe against every hostile scheme; give them of the dew from the Heavens above, and of the fatness of the earth. Fill their houses with bountiful food, and with every good thing, that they may have to give to them that are in need, bestowing also on them that are here assembled with us all their supplications that are unto salvation.

For You are a God of mercy and of compassion, and to You do we send up Glory: as to Your eternal Father and Your All‑Holy, Good, and Life‑creating Spirit, both now and ever, and to the ages of ages. Amen

7 reasons to say YES & marry your Byzantine Catholic seminarian boyfriend

In 2013, I wrote a post entitled '7 reasons NOT to marry your Byzantine Catholic seminarian boyfriend,' I was informed recently that this post betrayed my bitter and resentful heart, the ranting of a priest's wife who perhaps does not want to be one. As you might surmise, I disagree 100% with my critic and stand by my realistic view of married clergy life. I did feel inspired, however, to write a positive post with no qualifications or cautionary tales. Read my 'don't marry him' post for the other side if you like!

  "Marriage is a duel to the death which no man of honour should decline." G.K. Chesterton 

seminarians in the old country wear clerics... and get married in them

1. Why marry a seminarian? He is bound to be the spiritual head of the household- your own Saint Joseph, protector and provider for your family.

2. You will build character. You will be challenged. You will work on virtue. 

3. You can be assured that your husband is constantly praying for grace in marriage and for your salvation. Lots of husbands are like this, but a priest-husband is the best of them all when it comes to prayer for family. He sees the 'wages of sin' up close every day, so a holy priest-husband is alert to attacks from the evil one and prays and uses the sacraments to ward them off. 

4. You will build a strong family culture- father, mother and children. Besides confession and financial council meetings, the family will do just about everything with father, helping the church ministry. Your clergy family culture will mean that you all depend on each other because not many other people will understand your life with its triumphs and challenges. You will develop plenty of family culture inside jokes and 'auto-pilot' ways of getting through the week. Family traditions will come about- very different than other families, but good for you! Perhaps Saint Nicholas does not come until the afternoon; this was true for us for about 12 years. We are also blessed to have extended family comprised of devout Catholics because it really is we plus the extended family 'against the world.' 

5. You really will be the reason why he is able to minister to people on the saddest, most tragic, worst days of their lives. Knowing that there is a family at home depending on him will motivate him to work hard for the kingdom of God- and for you. Knowing that there is a wife waiting at home with a cup of chamomile tea might make it easier to make a sick call in the middle of the night!

6. You will be honored by being close to God is His sacraments. You will most likely need to be at every marriage, baptism and funeral to support your husband in his ministry. You will probably help at the house blessings as well, seeing families in their natural setting and getting to know them better. Because we borrow space from a Roman-rite parish, we have to reserve the Eucharist in our home for the Pre-Sanctified Liturgy on weekdays during the Great Fast. There is a lot of grace waiting for you and the children there in the little tabernacle. 

7. When he is dismissed, discounted, disrespected because of his marital status, you and the children will make it worth it. You, wife of a Byzantine Catholic or Orthodox seminarian, will have a front-row seat to seeing God's grace in action! The sacraments of marriage and holy orders really do work if we let them!

"Any fears were placed at the foot of the cross": clergy wives survey results, hopes & fears beginning ministry

clergy wife? Take the confidential survey here! 

Before your husband was ordained or entered seminary, what was your greatest hope? (more than one choice was possible)

man as spiritual head of household- 40.00%

graces for marriage- 40.00%

participation in church ministry- 33.33%

leading church ministry as a woman- 0.00%

raising children in the Church- 66.67%

being surrounded by believers- 40.00%

other hopes:

growing in my faith and helping others do the same

I did not know then.

For my husband to fulfill his vocation in obedience to God's call.

a marriage praised by God

(all) were important factors to me in finding a husband

personal growth in faith life

Before your husband was ordained or entered seminary, what was your greatest fear?

financial hardship- 33.33%

time management/balance- 46.67%

spiritual attack- 33.33%

lack of support from lay people or bishop- 26.67%

marital or parenting difficulties scandalizing Church- 26.67%

contempt for married clergy- 6%

other fears:

not being good enough

I had no fears.

dry spiritual life, failed marriage

Please elaborate on your hopes and fears before your husband was ordained or entered seminary

--- Never in my life did I expect to marry a priest-to-be. I still feel like I have no idea what is to come... And I still fear that I won't be good enough (can't cantor, can't sing, can't teach catechesis, can't evangelize, can't please the world...)

--- I generally don't think of the future much. I didn't then either. My parents however were terribly afraid that after they invested so much time and money in my education, I would end up in a remote village in the mountains. I live in Romania, you see, and there aren't that many parishes available. My husband was given a nice parish in the city and a job at university. 10 years later, the parish in the remote village doesn't seem such a bad alternative, comparing to crazy, overwhelming life in a city.

--- Any fears were placed at the foot of the cross. We haven't been plagued with fears, but difficulties and spiritual attack have been evident.

--- With regard to hopes, all I really wanted was for my husband to respond to a pretty clear calling and to find fulfillment in doing what he was meant to do. Also, and this is going to sound awful, but I did hope he would get paid decently (didn't happen, we have since had to move for my job and it should eventually in our new area. In terms of fears, when he was ordained I was working full time, we had a 2 year old and was pregnant with our 2nd, so obviously I was afraid we would never have time as a family, that people would judge us on our son's rambunctious behavior at liturgy, and that it would be a huge stress on all of us. Since my husband was already the local bishop's secretary/writer/gopher I also had concerns about him being taken advantage of. I am also pretty introverted and a non Greek-speaking convert in the Greek Orthodox Church, and was afraid I would be a terrible presvytera because of that.

--- I have seen pastors and wives give and give.

--- I have seen what congregations (and bad bishops) can do to a priest and his family, and I was most terrified by that kind of betrayal.

--- Financial hardship and him juggling family and church life. Both are real challenges.

--- He was in seminary when we started dating and we were married when he was ordained. i honestly didn't know what I was doing for most of it but I did hope finances would improve.

a lot of my energies were devoted to our family -- 8 children at time of his ordination, + 3 more since -- and we homeschool. Not a lot left for hopes & fears ;-)

--- I would say that before he was ordained deacon, I was very idealistic about it. I felt "honored" that my husband would be in a leadership position. I didn't have a lot of fears except that my own personal past would be somehow more public and scrutinized, possibly causing him scandal or embarrassment. I thought that it would be fun to minister together and teach others.

--- I had/have feast of dying and living my husband alone with the kids. I worry about pleasing God. I'm afraid of being open to life and having more kids than my mental health can handle...but no way to control the number of kids I have

--- I felt like we wouldn't measure up to the holiness we needed

Thank you for your responses! More survey results tomorrow!