may we have the courage to say "Death, where is your sting?" in 2021

Life is shadow and light. Last night, my father's older brother Foster died suddenly. Thank you for praying for Uncle Foster's soul and for the consolation of his family, especially my cousin S. This past year has been soul-crushing in many ways. Please pray for Rick H and the consolation of his wife. We are also mourning the losses of faithful priests, Father Frank and Father Mel. and there are others as well. Lord, have mercy!

You who with wisdom profound mercifully orders all things, and gives unto all that which is useful, give rest, O Lord, to the soul of your servant who has fallen asleep, for he has placed his trust in You, our Maker and Fashioner and our God (Troparion for funeral).

With the saints give rest, O Christ, to the soul of Your servant where sickness and sorrow are no more, neither sighing, but life everlasting (Kontakion for funeral).

Where is the pleasure in life which is unmixed with sorrow? Where the glory which on earth has stood firm and unchanged? All things are weaker than shadow, all more illusive than dreams; comes one fell stroke, and Death in turn, prevails over all these vanities. Wherefore in the Light, O Christ, of Your countenance, the sweetness of Your beauty, to him (her) whom You have chosen grant repose, for You are the Friend of Mankind. (St. John of Damascus)

why I didn't receive the Holy Eucharist at our Easter Divine Liturgy

Christ is risen! Hristos a inviat! 

We got home on Great and Holy Friday after midnight. Saturday was filled with activity, baking, cleaning, preparing for Pascha; my priest husband left at 4 PM to drive 90 miles to replace a priest who moved back to Romania so that the community could have an Easter vigil. He got home after midnight. Of course, I did not sleep. We got up at 3:30 and arrived to set up our mission (the Roman Catholics allow us to have services there) at 4:30. Resurrection Matins and the Divine Liturgy started at 5 AM. A person who I did not recognize called Father away about 15 minutes before the services started. Confession perhaps? In any case, we weren't able to get the clergy, altar servers (a few guest servers), and cantors (me and my server/cantor son) together for a debriefing on the services. 

At 4:55, a parishioner came up to me and asked how to help. I froze. I am sure I had a rude expression on my face. I can give excuses. I was exhausted. I was hungry. I was frustrated that the most important service of the year was 'hijacked' by a visitor who wanted to talk to my husband. I was also frustrated that he did not ask the person to wait until after the services. But then he didn't physically have time after our services because he had three more to celebrate Easter Sunday.  

So, I decided not to receive Our Lord in the Eucharist until I could find some peace with the parishioner. I do not suffer from scrupulosity, but I 100% agree in making peace with your brother before you approach the altar. 

So when you are offering your gift at the altar, if you remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar and go; first be reconciled to your brother and then come and offer your gift. Matthew 5:23-24

Dear reader, you might be scandalized by this post, and I ask your forgiveness. That is the main reason why I post almost never. I have been accused of being bitter, angry, anti-Roman, anti-Orthodox, a bad Christian. It is never my intention to bring scandal or to hurt anyone's feelings. I would love to share the entire truth of my life. In any case, I hope this post inspires you to be compassionate to the humanity in your clergy (celibate or not) and their families (if they have a family) and also to make their burdens a bit lighter. See if there is something you can do to help. They might be so busy keeping their heads above water that they will not have a good response to 'how can I help?' 5 minutes before a service begins. 

and yes- multiple people ask me why when I do not receive the Eucharist, I sometimes forgo because I am cantoring and my throat is very sensitive. If I swallow the wrong way, I will not be able to sing the responses. Luckily, we go to a second service as a family so I can receive then if my soul permits) - and yes- this is a doozy of a post after months away.... Christ is risen! 

how to be a Christian in our nit-picky, negative world: a guest post by Judie Jolma

"I recently began studies for a Masters of Theology and was surprised by my impressions after the first class. Introduction to Theology was almost entirely apologetic in nature. Instead of embarking on a study to delve deeper into an understanding of what our hearts love, it was a defense - an argument - to prove our position‘s validity for those who don’t believe. Are we insecure in our belief? Do we think that love can be inspired by arguments? (Don’t mistake these comments as relativistic slop that does not demand holiness. That is not my point.) 

There is a place for apologetics, to be sure. But when so many encyclicals are specifically drafted for this cause it colors the nature of our faith. We have somehow abandoned our first love, abandoned the way of the lover in Song of Solomon who searches for the fairest of ten thousands, whose hands drip with myrrh. And this departure has come from the shepherds (hirelings) who lead us. Do our hearts faint being love-sick for our Lord, our bridegroom? Or do we live in a passionless faith where we choose sides like a political party? 

Do our faces shine because they reflect the light of the Father - like the moon reflecting the sun? Or do we live a cold, calculating faith inspecting the correctness of our brother’s beliefs? We worry about definitions and proper form. We check the boxes, and like the Pharisees thank God that we are not like that tax collector. 

The whole church needs a course correction. We are all guilty of the sin of the older brother in the story of the prodigal son. We need to abandon the notion that intimacy can be charted and measured. We need to stop running away from the negative and run toward the true, good and beautiful.

Put away these petty arguments. Pray like a lover. Reach out in the liturgy to touch the priest’s vestments and be healed of all that hurt that inspires you to fight and strive. Can’t we all see how much woundedness there is coming from each person around us? Hurting people hurt people. But only the lover sings.

Go to liturgy and sing."

---Judie Jolma 

I saw satan laughing with delight- when a priest abandons his priesthood

Is there a just man in Israel? Is there any person who will die and be told straight away by God- Well done, my good and faithful servant? Or will we all have to be purified by the cleansing fires of purgatory or perhaps sadly, go to hell forever because of our rejection of God's love and law?

Who does satan hate the most? The devil is not a creature with god-like abilities; he is merely a fallen angel. The devil must conserve resources and perhaps focus on those that especially need his 'help' to fall. We might imagine that he hates Christians the most or perhaps all of God's creation because everyone, Christian or not, is made in the image of God. May I suggest that he hates consecrated people the most and- most of all- Catholic priests.

Evil cannot destroy or even damage God. Jesus gave Himself willingly to die on the cross for us; Jesus has destroyed death forever. So, if satan cannot kill Jesus, does he just resign himself to defeat? Of course not! Evil will go for the next best person- the Catholic priest, the person who IS Christ at the altar. If satan can encourage the priest to fall, it is a great triumph for evil. It is only 'small potatoes' if a teenager forgets his baptism and fornicates, but if the priest with promises of celibacy and chastity does the same, what a triumph for hell! What a scandal! What a disappointment! Many people will lose their faith because their priest was discovered to be the worst kind of hypocrite. Perhaps it would have been better if he had never been born than to scandalize God's children...

Why do so many priests seem to be forgetting their vocations these days? Why was it that I breathed a sigh of relief when the last four priests I know that left the priesthood (Roman and Byzantine rite, all happened to be celibate priests) got 'married' in Las Vegas-style marriages? They broke solemn promises to God and scandalized lay people and got 'married' irregularly after years of service so someone could serve them their breakfast cereal? Should I be happy that they weren't abusers and that they are finally living their God-given vocation? Or was the priesthood their true vocation and they gave it up for a warm body in bed?

You may be shocked at these words. I strongly advocate for married men being able to be ordained priest in the Eastern rites. I also have respect for those celibate priests who, with dignity and respect for the priesthood, ask for laicization because they have prayerfully determined that the priesthood was not their vocation and then later get married with dignity. I'm sorry; I see no room for quicky Vegas-style 'weddings' here (yes, I know there are plenty of churches in Vegas- two Byzantine I believe. I am not down on Vegas, just Vegas-style. You know what I mean)

Why have there been so many scandals lately? I'm not going to do internet research and see if it is statisically more than earlier years. I understand that sexual scandals within the priesthood are less than other groups. I understand that financial scandals are less than other kinds of people as well. But one priest falling is equal to ten or perhaps one hundred, thousand or a million people falling (because of the 'scandal' factor). Priests are In Persona Christi. God expects more from them; I expect more from them. I will fulfill my obligations as a Catholic. I will say my prayers while I am scrubbing the floors. I will bear the pain of childbearing and childrearing which is my duty to my vocation. I will work out my salvation in fear and trembling as any Christian should. This is nothing compared to the spiritual duties of the priest. But my answer to 'why so many scandals' scares me- because I think the answer might be that these priests who fall don't really believe in Heaven or hell or final judgement. I pray that I am wrong and that these priests are able to make it right with their Creator.

I have posted before the prayer for priests from the blue 'Pieta' prayer book. It says to never talk badly about a priest- and I agree that one should never gossip about our priests. We lay people should also have mercy on our priests when it is not about sinful things. If he has a bad singing voice, never mention it to anyone. If the homily wasn't that interesting, never complain. If the religion classes are sub-par, see if you can help, but don't gossip. If he has spinach in his teeth, take him aside, but don't 'make fun' of him. All priests (celibate and married) can benefit from good clean fun with adult male parishoners especially. Don't get upset if you see a priest on a golf course. Maybe he put in a 60-hour week of service and a parishioner is providing the tee time. If you see a priest at a nice restaurant, assume that the people with him are footing the bill- not the collection basket. With all that said- priests must realize that they are risking their eternal souls when they fall into sin (as we all are).

‘Son of man, prophesy against the pastors of Israel to pastor themselves.  Should not the pastors feed the flock? You have been fed with milk, you have dressed yourselves with wool.  You have not strengthened the weak lambs, cared for those who were sick, healed those who were injured.  You have not restored those who have strayed, searched for those who were lost.  But you have governed them with violence and hardness.’ (Ezekiel 34: 2-4)

I am saying this to you and I am saving my soul.  If I will have kept silent, I won’t be in great danger, I’ll be rather in utter ruin.  But when I will have spoken, and when I will have fulfilled my duty, pay attention then to your own danger.  What, after all, do I want?  What do I desire?  What do I long for? Why am I talking?  Why am I sitting here?  Why am I even alive, except for this intention: in order that we may live together with Christ.  That’s my desire, that’s my honor, that’s my treasured possession, this is my joy, that’s my glory.   But if you will not listen to me and if I haven’t been silent, I will save my soul.  But I don’t want to be saved without you (St Augustine)---quotations found today at Fr Z's blog

.....but...no more excuses- our 'soul is our own' even if the cause has not been so honorable- from Henry V:

So, if a son that is by his father sent about
merchandise do sinfully miscarry upon the sea, the
imputation of his wickedness by your rule, should be
imposed upon his father that sent him: or if a
servant, under his master's command transporting a
sum of money, be assailed by robbers and die in
many irreconciled iniquities, you may call the
business of the master the author of the servant's
damnation: but this is not so: the king is not
bound to answer the particular endings of his
soldiers, the father of his son, nor the master of
his servant; for they purpose not their death, when
they purpose their services. Besides, there is no
king, be his cause never so spotless, if it come to
the arbitrement of swords, can try it out with all
unspotted soldiers: some peradventure have on them
the guilt of premeditated and contrived murder;
some, of beguiling virgins with the broken seals of
perjury; some, making the wars their bulwark, that
have before gored the gentle bosom of peace with
pillage and robbery. Now, if these men have
defeated the law and outrun native punishment,
though they can outstrip men, they have no wings to
fly from God: war is his beadle, war is vengeance;
so that here men are punished for before-breach of
the king's laws in now the king's quarrel: where
they feared the death, they have borne life away;
and where they would be safe, they perish: then if
they die unprovided, no more is the king guilty of
their damnation than he was before guilty of those
impieties for the which they are now visited. Every
subject's duty is the king's; but every subject's
soul is his own. Therefore should every soldier in
the wars do as every sick man in his bed, wash every
mote out of his conscience: and dying so, death
is to him advantage; or not dying, the time was
blessedly lost wherein such preparation was gained:
and in him that escapes, it were not sin to think
that, making God so free an offer, He let him
outlive that day to see His greatness and to teach
others how they should prepare.

Melkite Musings: The problem with Catholics

"Let me tell you a small personal story. For years my spiritual father was trying to make me understand that I had doubt in my heart, that I had fear and wasn’t showing real faith in God. Of course, being spiritually blind as a mole, I could not understand what he was saying. I mean, I was a Catholic! I went to Liturgy, prayed, went to Confession, occasionally gave a few dollars to homeless people, and got outraged about all the right things to be outraged about on social media. WHAT is my spiritual father talking about?!

And then it happened. Crisis of faith. The biggest one I’ve had in years, probably actually the biggest I EVER had. However, even there God was waiting to open my eyes. In doubting His existence so painfully and strongly, I finally started to understand what real faith should look like… and that for years I have had almost none!"

... continue this post at the blog 'Melkite Musings'

be pro-life- smile at a mom & her screaming toddler

Pro-lifers are readying themselves for the annual March for Life  Different groups are doing different things, but prayer and demonstrations seem to be the popular manifestations for this time.  

If we say that we are pro-life- let's mean it and show this with our actions! Prayer is a beautiful thing, but maybe that mom needs your help with opening that door- she has 2 kids in her arms.  Please don't joke that that family needs a television; it's insulting and anti-life. Bring a meal to welcome the newest addition and have your teenager mow their lawn- with permission, of course. Hand-me-down clothes are very welcome, but check the clothing for rips and stains. If Goodwill wouldn't sell it, the local big family down the street probably wouldn't wear it to Mass. And perhaps above all, have mercy with little children that are squirmy at church. I guarantee you- the parents are doing their best to wrangle those kids.  They woke up, got the kids ready and out the door when the majority of Americans were still abed. They are in church, trying to instill in their children all the values of Christianity. Give that harried mom a smile as she takes a screaming  three-year old out of Mass. Invite them to your table at coffee and doughnuts. Make that super-sized family (in most parts of the US, any family with over 2 or 3 kids- not applicable to Franciscan U and TAC areas) welcome.

How in the world can inviting a big family to your coffee and doughnut table be pro-life, you ask? We need to build a culture of life where children are welcome. We need to make it easier for a family to have that next kid (perhaps through lower taxation?). Did you know that 60% of abortions are performed on women who are already mothers? (source- the blog "And Sometimes Tea") Prayer is essential, but action is too. If all pro-lifers were active in doing pro-life prayer and work (making meals, knitting booties, working at a soup kitchen, calling a new mom, mowing lawns, painting fences, fixing vans, babysitting for nothing or nominal fees, whatever is appropriate to the stage in life and ability or talent), we would make it less scary for these moms to welcome life even in difficult moments.

This post was inspired by an old post I read at Abigail's Alcove about needing help and not really getting it when her very ill baby was in the NICU 

Ventura Strong: Christmas is coming after the fire and sorrow

sculpture by Juan Manuel Cisneros  

Since December 4th, we in this part of California have been living with the smoke and fire danger of the Thomas Fire. One firefighter, traveling 200 miles away from his home to help, has perished. Most of our circle of Catholic homeschooling families have gone back to their homes after the clean-up, but the fire is still only half contained. One family has lost everything material, but they are happy that everyone is healthy and safe. 

We in Ventura County feels very blessed to be celebrating the Nativity of Jesus Christ this year, knowing how privileged we are to live in a place where people really come together to help their neighbors. 

ten ways to destroy your child's love for Jesus & Church: Eastern Christian edition

1. Take the Lord's name in vain and do not reprimand your children when they take the Lord's name in vain. Tolerate media, music and movies that use our Lord's name as a swear word. 

2. Do not set Sunday aside as a day for Church and family. Don't prepare for a peaceful Sunday by filling the van up with gas the day before and tidying up said van for a peaceful trip to church. Don't set out appropriate church clothes the night before the Divine Liturgy so that the children know that Sunday is a day set apart by God. If you have a Saturday vigil at your church, make sure to just 'get church out of the way' Saturday evening so that you can be really busy all Sunday. Ignore the commandment that the Lord gave to Moses and the people of Israel- "Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy. Six days you shall labor, and do all your work, but the seventh day is a Sabbath to the LORD your God." That was the old days! Moses and then Jesus lived in must simpler times when all people had to do was farm and occasionally attend a wedding. 

Now we enlightened ones in the 21st century have homework, shopping, soccer. Make sports a top priority. Nothing could be more important in 2016. We must keep our children busy with activities like sports if we want them to be successful, normal people.Your children might become professional sports stars. Even on the off chance they do not become pros, sports teach kids sportsmanship, dedication and team work. Church is a distraction from such important sports virtues and the worst might happen if your family dedicates them to Jesus and the Church- they might become monastics- monks or nuns! Is outrage! 

the most important thing in life- best played on Sundays before lunchtime!

3. Plan to get to church late- sometime in the middle or even later in the service. Only Latin Catholics are concerned with time! It is so Roman to consider being purposefully late to church a sin! We Eastern Christians are above such concepts. We are not about sin; we are about love. Come to the service at least a half hour late, but also be certain to smugly sigh when Latin Catholics are shocked that our services can be so much longer than theirs. We stand for about three hours during church (well- if matins are offered and if we get to church and well- the priest stands for three hours. We get there when we get there) 

4. When receiving Holy Communion and leaving the church building after kissing the cross, be certain to wave, talk and guffaw to acquaintances and friends. It doesn't matter that a few Latins are trying to pray a bit in thanksgiving for the Eucharist and that you will see everyone in ten seconds outside the church and then spend an hour or more together in the coffee room; if you do not loudly greet them during the church service, they will be put out that you are not friendly. Being Christian is all about being really friendly- especially in the church building during prayer time. It is also helpful to talk with friends during the homily, most especially if your church has two homilies- in an 'old country' language and in English. Talk to your friends during the homily in the language that you do not understand. How can you be expected to be silent for five minutes! Your children certainly should not be expected to either! 

Don't be distracted by prayer in church; Hyacinth is inviting you to a candlelight supper!

5. Be sure to bring lots of toys (preferably hard plastic) and books (secular- they must be interesting- not 'fanatical' as a saint book would be) to entertain your small children. If your children are under 11 years old or so, make sure to bring lots of snacks and juice so that they do not get hungry during the hour long church service. Be sure to not demand that children go potty before church so that- even if some of the children are engaged in the service- there is constant distraction and each child eventually needing to go potty during the long hour and a bit service. 

6. If your young children are making any noise at all in church, be sure to take them out of the service and berate them angrily and do not return to the service because they might start talking again and it is just easier not to be in the building- or- take no notice that your children are loudly singing the theme to Sponge Bob during the homily. Anyway, it is the 'old country' language homily, so no one understands it except the old country immigrants. 

7. Do not forget this key way to destroy your children's faith- judge priests and religious and discuss the priest's failings frequently with your kids. Did he leave the confessional at 9:30 PM (when confessions were scheduled from 6:30 to 8:30)? Ask your kids- "what else does he have to do but minister to us?" If you see a priest on the golf course on Monday morning, ask your kids- "shouldn't he be ministering to people?" If you see your priest's grocery cart with some non-fasting items, point them out to your kids-"see, even Father doesn't fast!" Be sure to make fun of your priest's accent- Romanian, Mexican, Indian, Ghanan, Ugandan, Nigerian, Chilean- do not point out that the local mega parish of 5,000 families has not had a priestly vocation in thirty years of a 'native born' man. All the priests and deacons have funny accents. 

Complain about any money that is paid the priest. Do not give him a stipend if he administers a sacrament or comes to bless the house- he didn't get into the priesthood to get rich, right? Point out to your kids every time the priest makes a mistake in the service. If he makes a grammatical error during the homily, snort and roll your eyes so the children will notice the mistake. It is for their good; you wouldn't want them to make the same mistake! Grammar is important! 

The opportunities to judge a priest or deacon are even greater when he is married. Did his wife forget to smile? Did the children act up during church? Did any of the family drop the ball when it came to ministry? Point out their shortcomings to your children so they feel superior to those clergy family people who spend too much time in church. 

look at the chubby friar! he can't fast! What a hypocrite! 

8. What about fasting? Do not bother! Only monks and nuns fast! Well...maybe they do. Who knows! The Church is so out of touch. It is so complicated to not eat meat. We Westerners are so busy with other activities and grocery shopping is so difficult. I sometimes have to cross the street in my Honda to get to a second grocery store when I want to buy my vegan items. Such a struggle. Those in developing countries have it easier; they just have to choose between sweet potatoes and grains. 

Anyway, only liberal atheists go vegetarian. I suppose to hedge your bets, fast when in public and then eat meat when at home or in a restaurant if you think you won't bump into a fellow Eastern Christian. You wouldn't want to scandalize them. If you do decide to try and fast according to traditional guidelines, be sure to emphasize the weight you hope to lose, not the virtues you hope to strengthen. If your family does decide to fast, make sure your children feel superior to Latin Catholics with their non-existent fast.  Also, talk behind the backs of those not fasting for health or other reasons. 

9. Have no prayer life in the home. You do not want your children to be fanatics! Never talk about Jesus outside a church service. Never read the Bible in the home. Do not let the children catch you going to confession, reading the Bible or praying. Do not have an icon corner. If you do have an icon corner, use it for pretty decor (like Cher having a crucifix collection or the singer Madonna wearing rosaries in the old days) and never use it to inspire prayer. If your television is next to the icon corner, this will help keep it secular space. Do not forget to keep the television on at all times to keep the home filled with noise. 
But if you do decide to pray in the home, be certain to emphasize fire and brimstone-style theology with no talk of God's love and mercy and demand family prayer when children are tired, hungry, and thirsty and dad is busy in the garage or with video games.  

10. What to do about the ethnic 'problem' in the Eastern Churches in the US and Canada? To destroy your child's love of Jesus and the Church- you should decide to only attend a service where the priest and community are from your old country- preferably the same county. God and Church are only important because He speaks the same language, eats the same food, and wears the same national folk dress that you do. If Romanian was good enough for Jesus, it is good enough for my kids! Be certain never to attend a service of a different ethnicity even if it is the same rite. The most important part of church is hearing our old country language NOT receiving Christ in the Eucharist or being able to worship in the same rite (but different sui  juris church) in communion with Rome. 

and here's a BONUS WAY TO DESTROY YOUR CHILD'S FAITH

Allow and encourage your children to use a 'smart' phone at all times. If your children are not hooked up to internet content at all times, they will be out of step. The world is changing so swiftly, your children need to have unfettered access. Under no circumstances keep tabs on your children's internet usage. They need to know that you trust them. In addition, have a computer and television in your child's bedroom. Under no circumstances should you have standards for media usage- they need to know that you trust them to make good choices.

Very importantly, never control when they use the smart phone provided for them. They need to stay connected to friends, celebrities, and the day's viral videos. And so do you. As a mom or dad, it is important to stay your own person. Show your children that your life is important and answer every notification, text and call immediately. This is your 'me time.' A great place to use phones for the entire family is at the dinner table. Just be careful not to spill milk on the phones because getting a new phone can take a while and it is very stressful to be unconnected. 

Church services are the perfect time for your children to use their smart phone. They will be certain to stay quiet and sit still if they are watching the latest  viral video (use subtitles when possible!) or keeping tabs on their favorite boy band. Scrolling through their instagram feed so they can 'keep up with the kardashians' will keep them in the pew so grandma is satisfied having the family together for the Easter service. Writing emails can be a little too distracting to fanatics who actually try to pray during church, but teens these days usually text and IM- easier to disguise and using less movement. For younger children, keep it simple by handing them your phone to play games like candy crush and grumpy birds. Children must be entertained! They will thank you for protecting them from a bit of boredom and the fancy language and theology that is so out of date in 2016. Gotta stay with the times! 

this post was inspired by my mistakes, others' mistakes, and the book below

if you cannot keep your children from religious life or if you want retreat information for yourself, I hesitate to encourage you. It could keep you from your goal of destroying your children's faith... but here are some communities to check out if you really must....

Holy Resurrection Monastery 

Christ the Bridegroom Monastery -for women 

Holy Theophany Monastery- for women

Byzantine Catholic Monastery-Oregon 

more 'family' & 'home'- less 'faith' on the blog

My blog's tagline has always been "thoughts on family, home & faith from a Byzantine Catholic priest's wife." And the word "faith" is what drives me to not post anything! I am well aware that I am no expert in our theology and history, even though I am in the nitty-gritty, practical trenches. I cannot write about the nitty-gritty or I get in trouble. I cannot write about our theology or history without the fear of getting a minor detail wrong. In any case, there are many blogs and websites that do a much more complete job. I am supposed to be homeschooling, teaching at the college, and cooking and cleaning and gardening when it comes to mind. 

So, unfollow this blog if you don't want more family and home and less faith. We still are full of faith, thank God, but I just don't have the energy to think of deep, theological blog posts- not that they ever were that deep. For a beautiful blend of family and theology, click onto Every Home  a Monastery.  You will love it! If you are not averse to random family and home photos, follow me on Instagram at instagram.com/anne_boyd - I hope to 'see' you soon when I post my famous gluten-free chocolate cake recipe! 

pretty funny happy real politics- Donald Trump or Hillary Clinton?

pretty- Today is the feast of Christ's Ascension on the Gregorian calendar! Have a blessed day- now, after 40 days, we Byzantine Catholics stop singing 'Christ is risen' until next Easter.

happy- It is only early May, but academic-centric homeschooling is winding down for the little ones with field trips and swimming lessons increasing in frequency. They had their last poetry recitation of the school year last week. Boy recited Ozymandius, and Girl recited Now We Are Six. The big girls wowed the younger crowd with their winning performances of Charge of the Light Brigade and Vain & Careless.  

funny- I think this is funny/cute. I recorded Girl's poem for her to memorize. I found her dancing to the recording with her eyes closed....I think we will memorize her Shakespeare lines next year like this! Watch her on instagram here. 

real- I don't get political here, but I do confess that I will be voting for Pedro.

“Men will surrender to the spirit of the age. They will say that if they had lived in our day, Faith would be simple and easy. But in their day, they will say, things are complex; the Church must be brought up to date and made meaningful to the day’s problems. When the Church and the world are one, then those days are at hand because our Divine Master placed a barrier between His things and the things of the world.A time is coming when men will go mad, and when they see someone who is not mad, they will attack him saying, ‘You are mad, you are not like us.” St. Anthony of the Desert (251- 356)

more phfr at lmld

the unvarnished truth about being a Byzantine Catholic priest's wife

..."I first came across your blog in 2012 & I couldn't believe how bitter and resentful it read. Honestly, it made me sad, and worried that a Pani would be bitter & resentful towards the church, the parishioners, & her husband. There have been many entries that I wouldn't want anyone who was looking into the Byzantine church or married clergy to read because so much of what I have read from this blog has been negative. I have read articles & books by Presbyteras that highlight the struggles AND the good times, & I haven't seen that with your blog. But, I know nothing as I am not a priest wife; just a concerned Byzantine parishioner." a message on my Facebook account

What is the unvarnished truth of being a Byzantine Catholic priest's wife? We have to be perfect for all people at all times. There is an old Protestant joke that goes like this: 

The Perfect Pastor preaches exactly 10 minutes. He condemns sin roundly, but never hurts anyone's feelings. He works from 8 a.m. until midnight, and is also the church janitor.

The Perfect Pastor makes $40 a week, wears good clothes, drives a good car, buys good books, and donates $30 a week to the church. He is 29 years old and has 40 years' worth of experience. Above all, he is handsome.

The Perfect Pastor has a burning desire to work with teenagers, and he spends most of his time with the senior citizens. He smiles all the time with a straight face because he has a sense of humor that keeps him seriously dedicated to his church. He makes 15 home visits a day and is always in his office to be handy when needed.

The Perfect Pastor always has time for church meetings and all of its committees, never missing the meeting of any church organization. And he is always busy evangelizing the unchurched.

But pastors aren't perfect in the real world and neither are priests' wives! The writer above claims that, while other clergy wives' blogs highlight struggles and good times, I focus on the bad. I am bitter and resentful to my church, parishioners and husband. Posts that are more serious have been tagged with the 'disappointment' and 'loss' labels. If you are interested, those labels are found at the bottom of this post. Maybe these are the "bitter" and "resentful" posts?

Dear readers, have you read these posts- 

What is Christian Marriage?  - am I resentful to my husband here?

An Argument against married clergy- I seem to respect my husband here....

Advice for Clergy families- is this too realistic? Should we pretend it is all rainbows? 

15th anniversary a few years back- I rarely discuss our specfic marriage relationship- nope- no bitterness or resentment here! 

Is this the post that is all bitter & against the parishioners? How to be a perfect priest's wife 

This post is a little opinionated about a parishioner- but funny! Strong Cheesy Opinions

Dear writer of message- you don't "know nothing" because you aren't a priest's wife. Your opinions and feelings matter. But first of all, if you have read occasionally for four years and were so disturbed by my posts, I wish you had written me sooner. I truly don't know which posts you are talking about. I stand by everything I have written. There are no lies here. I do believe I have written like those other clergy wives you have spoken about- I write about the good times and the struggles. When I do wrte about the struggles, it is usually in response to a young person who is discerning a marriage/clergy vocation. Would it be right for me to say that there will never be heartache? Because this is heartache for me right now as a priest's wife- to be scorned for four years by a fellow Byzantine Catholic- to be misunderstood- to be treated as a non-person. You really are saying that a priest's wife must be like the 'Perfect Pastor' from the joke. And it is not possible. 

Most likely, message writer, you will not read this post. I will take the challenge and write some deeply personal, positive posts about church, parishioners and our marriage. I can not un-do years of posts that you claim are bitter and resentful. First of all, I disagree with you 100%. I feel like any person who is interested in the Byzantine rite might find some positive help here. 

But I do see that I could be more personal and positive. I will start right here.

What did Father get Priest's Wife for Saint Valentine's day? (oops- secular holiday inspired by Roman saint....Latinization!) 

two dozen roses- red and pink, a box of good chocolates, a Thai dinner with 2 other couples, and a hand-decorated jar filled with pieces of papers labeled with weekly surprises. 

What did Priest's Wife give Father for the holiday? 

Brussels sprouts made the way he likes them, a cheese plate (four cheeses), some plants in the front yard that I planted, my undying devotion and appreciation for all the work he does- especially at the hospital (I call it 'the coal mine') 

Never have I been bitter or resentful of him or his vocation. I regret my mistakes and imperfections, but this is exactly where we should be. I am consoled whenever it is a hard day that God has led me to this life from the day I was born. How could I be bitter and resentful with that assurance? 

What are some problems with the Eastern Christian faith community you frequent? survey results

Hard to find confession times.

drive home sometimes can take up to 3 hours.

fasting rules

Parts of the liturgy are not done in the vulgar and I do not know how to read Cyrillic text!

Cliques

It is very small and in danger of closing. We don't have our own priest.

Deacon preaches a bit fast, but other than that just the usual problems. Not enough families, not enough young people.

Geographic seperateness due to closings of parishes more proximate; still focused on ethnicity at times; many are Latinized

They don't walk their own faith path. They don't know their liturgy, they're lazy.

very Romanized!!!!!!!!!

Though my ethnicity is similar, most of the congregation are new immigrants. I have yet to talk to the priests about my desired reception to Orthodoxy.

lack of organization

All the parishes are aging and dying.

Too few children; not enough young families

not enough attend

We need to work on growing if we want to survive long term.

They are bit too ethnic and not overly welcoming to newcomers.

older priest in poor health, limited liturgical services not active community life

They are a little bit introverted. I only know and speak with a handful of the parishioners even though we have been attending that church for 6 years. And not enough community activity.

Lack of participation

It is very new, 14 months old. We do not have a priest as yet, and that limits what we can do.

A lot , a lot , of different cultures and ethnicities everyone wanting their own tradition observed and not just the traditions of the Maronite Church. Which is actually good because it exposes people to the other traditions and cultures.

pastor attempting to build a hybrid liturgical outlook, that is de-emphasis on Byzantine tradition; lack of clear financial accounting

Language barrier...priest is Ukrainian and is a bit hard to understand some time. Also, and this may sound weird, but sometimes a parishioner or two maybe a little "too religious" and can scare newer folks away....

Some people are territorial about their role in the community. This can make people feel unwelcome when they want to contribute.

They are not really a Community

There aren't enough parishioners! A couple of ladies also loudly pray the Rosary before Divine Liturgy

The Orthodox church nearest me (1.5-2+ hours away) is not very welcoming, and they only cater to Russians. We (Asians) may attend, but little is done to welcome us.

Latinizations, people stuck in small t traditions, aging population, liberal Catholics, people leaving the church.

The familial environment can be so intimate to the point of comfort, which may drive a complacency, when it comes to growth. This was brought into the discussion, when the Pew Research Study came out, during the summer.

Clericalism, minimalism in externals, being satisfied with mediocrity.

Small community, not enough extra things to be involved in. No education programs.

Need teenage / young adult group

The parish is still small, so it is difficult to have a large number of groups and ministries (Men's Group, Women's Group, Pro-Life/Social Justice Group, etc.). The parish covers a very large area (the next-closest Byzantine Catholic parish is 4 hours away), so drives can be long, which makes it more difficult to have additional events. Despite the welcomeness to visitors, the parish still does little to pro-actively evangelize.

Irregularity of liturgy makes it hard to attract people.

I think we don't always make it easy for new people to come into the community.

None

People argue about the use of English vs. the native tongue Getting to know prople on a more than purely superficial level is sometimes hard

Mostly older congregation (few men, as well), our 6 children are literally half the children in the parish.

It is too far away.

Priest shortage and the community size is too small.

It's small and fragile. It depends on one priest and a few families to keep it going. Looks of people pass through or visit rather than stay.

Lack of leadership, stagnation.

Lack of evangelization; less feeling of community for those who are not Arabic; most non-Arabic members are "refugees" from Roman Catholicism, even us converts, in a way

Non-ethnics can feel isolated.

Not enough growth in new parishioners not enough kids to have an effective 'next generation' to learn and appreciate the beauty of the Eastern Church.

Insider-outsider No evangelization No services (religious ed, etc.)

Less than perfect communications among members (no newsletter, web site out of date)

We are a commuter parish, so there is little "parish life" outside of Sundays. Religious education for the kids is sporadic, and the kids are grouped in wide age ranges. Our priest works a full-time job, in addition to his parish duties. We love him, but it is clear that he, his family and the parish all suffer from the reality that he must have a second job.

Set in their ways. Not a lot of young families w/children.

Not being in full Communion.

Dwindling enrollment. Loss of our Slavic heritage. Not enough parishoner envolvement. They must think that Father waves a magic wand & the money appears so the bills can get paid. People are resistant to try new things. In the past if people didn't like the priest they moved to a Latin Rite church instead of staying & fighting for their Church.

I left, the church was gravitating with rose colored glasses to try and act like an Orthodox church and discount being Catholic with the excuses of "latinizations" which is nonsense.

Not enough celebration of the full Byzantine liturgical traditions (i.e. no matins or vespers)

Growth and as with a small community, trying to meet so many parishioner's needs.

Sometimes many strong personalities clash and there can be some infighting that I wish wasn't there. Tight-knit community also means that there can be gossip at times. Lack of things for young adults. There is ECF and a youth group that is not active right now but has new leaders trying to get it going. But once the kids hit 18, there really is nothing that encourages them to stay involved.

Dwindled community--will we be around in ten years? Lack of youth programming.

They don't know their faith very well.

Church attendance down dramatically over last 25 years. Not many young families or children attend. Liturgy is only 50% in English. Almost all who attend speak English (but for some it is their second language).

We are really small, and most of the parishioners are not of the culture of our church origin, so some of the language and prayer is lost.

That it does not have a good book situation.

People being people. Some disagreements with the way things are done, the way things are, some negativity.

In our city, in particular, the congregations are quickly dying. We have children, but in the many area Byzantine parishes we have visited, there are often no other families with children. No ECF, no activity other than fundraisers. There is a sense of apathy here and I fear it may not be long before the Byzantine Church in this area is no more.

Not very big of a parish.

Lack of young people in the parish. Although there are some children and teenagers, there are almost no adults age 20-35. It would be nice to have some peers. (Tho I love spending time with the older folks and hearing their stories). There are also few opportunists to get involved because I work. For example, the ladies organization generally has there activities during the day (most members are retired) and bible study is also help in mid-afternoon.

Lack of leadership, lack of organization, lack of communication, poor financial management, lack of spiritual growth, focus on the needs of priest versus growing the parish, everyone waits for someone else to do things

Our home parish (Byz Cath) lacks community involvement, does not possess a missionary spirit, and does not desire to "share the Gospel" with others, which has gradually pushed us toward Orthodoxy as an alternative to our Byzantine parish. Because our family was not Roman Catholic prior to entering the church, we have very little - if anything - in common with the majority of Romans that attend our parish. Additionally, two-thirds of our parish attendees are "Roman refugees", that is - Roman Catholics who are disillusioned with their own liturgies but primarily desire to fulfill their Sunday obligation without becoming fully-committed parishioners.

Ethnic ideas: the older parishioners treat it like the Ukrainian club at prayer

people are too ethnic

resistance to change unwillingness to try new things

We experienced a drop in numbers this year due to death and families moving away. In a small community, that has a big impact. It makes those that are left responsible for much more, but it also makes us a tight-knit family.

The priest is wanting to retire, Bishop refuses to grant the retirement, therefore the priest just "puts in the minimum" and there is no Sunday school, socials, liturgy is often shortened in parts, many traditions are ignored.. It's sad, there has been much interest in newcomers that are just turned off and never return.

Because there's no permanent Eastern community here, we can only meet once a month, and if for some reason our priest can't get there, there's no liturgy that month.

very small group, and the church where we celebrate the Divine Liturgy is being sold, and no longer has a parish of it's own.

None of my family understand, difficult to follow alone at home.

Many parish members very insular, not open to assimilating Church into American society/English language; lackadaisical attitudes yielding lack of participation; very small parish, weekly deficits almost $1K

that those born into the Melkite Church do not always know exactly what our traditions are.

Poor education/catechism.

not entirely sure if they are Catholic or Orthodox..crisis of self-identification

The primary ethnicity is too inward-looking. They welcome visitors somewhat, but they are indifferent to evangelism. My perception is that culture comes before Christ sometimes. Right up to the bishop. The name of the sui iuris church of my parish scares people away. Potential converts assume it's an ethnic ghetto, or feel weird identifying with a church where the sui iuris church name is a different ethnicity. (As if all Romans were Italian. Pfft.) The local Maronites don't have this problem, they make converts. But I bet they would if they were "Lebanese Catholic."

Evangelization, to few liturgies at convenient times, and a lack of anything like an organized RCIA.
Too few people and not growing

Ethnicity takes priority over the Faith.

Most of us live a considerable distance from the church, so weekday services are difficult, as is outreach to the local community. No choir practice, and people in the choir who don't know their parts and make up their own harmony, so the music sounds pretty bad.

Small size (relative to other communities), limited resources, people spread over whole metropolitan area.

Priest inaccessible

The Light of the East: Eastern Catholic Churches

what happens to the wife & children when a married Catholic priest dies?

No one knows. No one talks about it. Everyone hopes that he will pass away after all the children are out of the house and can support their mother. Or they hope that the priest's wife has a good education and career that she used during his priesthood, financially supporting the family so he could focus on ministry and then supporting the children after he passes away.  

for Romanian Catholics, the 'burial of Jesus' service on Good Friday is very similar to our funeral services for all believers. 

Last year, I took an on-line course for Eastern Catholic clergy wives. We discussed lots of issues- children in church, working outside the home, how we could support our clergy husbands, how we can improve our relationships with parishioners and more. Maybe I missed the conversation, but I believe that we passed over any sad discussion of what we would do if we lost our husbands at an early age. And what would we do? 

Clergy wives are expected to sacrifice for their clergy husbands' ministry. We had a four-month old, and I was one-month pregnant when we first moved across the country to serve our bishop. Three years later, we moved across the country again to try and salvage an ailing mission. I could expound on the fact that it is very very difficult for me, an extreme INFP, to form relationships quickly and to deal with change, but being the 'trailing spouse' was also murder on my teaching career. 

After Europe, I taught in Oregon for two years. Then I taught in Ohio for two years, and then after we moved again I was forced to commute an hour one way four evenings a week for my first teaching position here in California. I even drove that hour one way commute to give my students their midterm exam when I knew that I would have to go into the hospital the next day to labor with our deceased twenty week son. I made that commute for two years before I could get a better position closer to home. And I am lucky to teach four evenings a week. My career has not progressed, however, because it is disjointed after following my clergy husband around the country and I work part-time to accommodate homeschooling our children. But I do have education and a part-time career to support my family alone if need be, God forbid. 

A little over a month ago, an Orthodox priest was killed in a car accident. Fr Matthew Baker was also a husband and father to six children. I would love everyone to be Catholic- Western or Eastern, but I was relieved he was Orthodox. I knew that financially his family would be okay (not great- not to compensate the loss of their father, but they would survive financially).  In a month, over $735,000 was raised for his stay-at-home wife and his young children. And with his jurisdiction being a large one- Greek Orthodox- I assume that there is severance (again- any amount of money will not compensate their emotional loss) from their archeparchy as well. I do not begrudge her a penny of this after the tragic death of her beloved husband. 

I'm just jealous because there is no plan for Catholic clergy wives. If my husband does not receive anything now, why would I receive anything if he died? Now, we have a small retirement fund through his hospital, and I have a Master's degree and work part-time. I could put the children in public school so I could work more. We could sell our townhouse and move in with my parents. Of course, that would entail moving across the country again and losing my 'place in line' with the college. But we would probably survive financially with no help from the church. It is right that the church allows married clergy with nothing put in place to help them when the clergyman passes away? I suppose this is yet another argument against married clergy, so we keep quiet about the problem. 

Anecdotally, I have learned of clergy families who are left with nothing- no retirement fund, no housing, and really no parish community. In Romania and the United States, the clergy family is so wrapped up in the image of having the priest-husband-father there, there is nothing left when he is gone. The wife leaves the clergy house as quickly as she can (a new priest is coming!), and her family moves in with the closest relative. A few parishioners remember her and send her some of the foodstuffs their farm is producing. But she cannot attend services at her priest-husband's parish. It is too sad, and the new clergy family would feel like she is trying to undermine the new ministry. In Romania, there are other Byzantine Catholic parishes to attend, but in the States, Eastern churches are few. So the family ceases attending Byzantine services. At best, the family becomes Roman-rite Catholic, forsaking the traditions that once were so important to their family culture.

And this reality is what I fear for my family: losing our priest-husband-father at an early age. My greatest dream is to be wrinkled and grey with him, still preaching and singing and making Easter bread and praying that more than twenty people come to church. My wildest dream is that our son would be ordained and he could take over our mission (funny- my dreams do not extend to the crazy notion that we would actually be able to build an actual parish in the wild West). Then, we could be wrinkled and ancient and semi-retired, a Catholic priest never completely retiring. 

The motto of our bishop and of this blog is 'Fear Not Little Flock'- and I suppose that will be what I will say to my children if the worst happened. So why do we live this life? We know that it cannot end well. Like any happy marriage, it will end- somehow- in tears. But we clergy wives try to act bravely and live the life, knowing that it could end in poverty and loneliness. We clergy wives chose martyrdom, even if we did not realize that was the life we signed up for when our husbands were ordained...

"Why love if losing hurts so much? I have no answers any more. Only the life I have lived. Twice in that life I’ve been given the choice: as a boy and as a man. The boy chose safety, the man chooses suffering. The pain now is part of the happiness then. That’s the deal. " (C.S. Lewis in film Shadowlands)

I would love to revise this blog post with your stories of clergy families being taken care of by their church- through their bishop and the people. I have not heard of this happening...