My 9/11

Ten years is a long time. We have moved a few times, had a bad miscarriage, two more children. I've continued my education and have taught at different colleges. Ten years feels like a century ago.

I had two small daughters on that 9/11. They were just 2 and 1 and I was teaching adults (mostly African Muslim) part-time in the evenings. We lived in an apartment attached to our cathedral. We didn't have television, and I was consumed with caring for my two little children. So I didn't know that anything had happened until I got a phone call from the old country at about 4 PM.

Brother-in-law: Where's 'John'?

Me: He's not here. He's in the city.

Brother-in-law: What?! Two planes fell from the sky there!

Me: Really? That's strange...

My brother-in-law proceeded to panic. In his broken English and my bad old-country-language, we understood each other. My husband flew out of NYC on September 10th, and he was in Cleveland ('the city') when my brother-in-law called. So, I turned on the radio (an unbreakable morning ritual now) and listened. I took the girls outside to play and I noticed that there were no planes in the sky. I went to class and there were no students there for the next few days. Some students never returned.

I only have four first cousins in the world and one of them was in the Pentagon when it was attacked. My brother served for a year or so as a lawyer/officer in Baghdad. You would think I would be very patriotic and gung-ho, but I am just left with a sense of emptiness and loss that there is such evil in this world.

so it might be pretty silly, but this gives me hope....

Frodo: I can't do this, Sam.

Sam: I know. It's all wrong. By rights we shouldn't even be here. But we are. It's like in the great stories, Mr. Frodo. The ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger, they were. And sometimes you didn't want to know the end. Because how could the end be happy? How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened? But in the end, it's only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must pass. A new day will come. And when the sun shines it will shine out the clearer. Those were the stories that stayed with you. That meant something, even if you were too small to understand why. But I think, Mr. Frodo, I do understand. I know now. Folk in those stories had lots of chances of turning back, only they didn't. They kept going. Because they were holding on to something.

Frodo: What are we holding onto, Sam?

Sam: That there's some good in this world, Mr. Frodo... and it's worth fighting for.

What can I say?

Looking at my wedding photo from fourteen years ago, she said, "You have nothing left but your smile."

I was taken aback. She is a parishioner a bit younger than I, and her husband had come by our house Saturday morning to fix some electrical problems. They had brought the requisite chocolate bars for the children and other goodies that seem to be culturally required for any visit, even though they were coming to do us a favor. We kissed on both cheeks when they arrived. All was sweetness and light until she said those words. So I just shrugged in agreement.

I suppose it is true. Wiry white hairs occasionally spring up from my head. I am the only mom I know that can give birth to a baby and only lose the baby's weight after birth. I did this four times, so about twenty pounds per baby have taken up permanent residence. Unlike the parishioner who has one job, I am a bit frazzled with multiple responsibilities and I suppose that shows up on my face. I usually put on some mascara and lipstick in the car on the way to church or another event, so perhaps my albino lashes at home made me look especially grotesque. I don't know why some people don't have verbal filters; recently another parishioner saw my semi-permanently sunburned forehead and 'joked' about my husband hitting me in the face. Call me gobsmacked.

But what have I accomplished since my wedding? What do I "have left"? I have a happy marriage and four physically and emotionally healthy children who we are home-educating. I still have basic health, even though a few scary things have popped up over the years. I still have all my family relationships- and lots of nieces and nephews to love! I have consistently worked part-time at the college level, and I finished my Master's degree while I was in the throws of pre-eclampsia with our fourth child. We survived the fetal demise of our first son and other extended family sorrows. We have done well enough financially considering our kinds of jobs (humanities-type people don't make tons of money) and where we live (highest overall taxes in the nation), but saving money for a summer in the old country every other year trumps a gym membership and professional haircuts and colors. And slowly, slowly- I am accomplishing maturity so that I can just shrug my shoulders when someone says negative things to me. What can I do? I certainly cannot strike back at her and say mean things.   But I can pity her just a little bit for not thinking before she said what she did...who cares if my body is semi-destroyed? Look at babies 3 and 4 below and tell me a few extra pounds aren't worth it!

aren't they sweet- this is the first time he held her- after she spent 5 weeks in the NICU- she is 6 pounds here

We are in the throws of schooling responsibilities, so I won't write be writing much unless I find the time really, really early and post when I get around to grammar checking. But I was 'inspired' to write this little ditty as a way to process uncharitable words of others- and to try and get over it! But in positive news, I have started walking with my big girls in the early mornings again. Maybe I will get something of my temporal body back.

Not 'Juicy' Here

I wouldn't call myself a feminist. I made eggs for my husband this morning and packed his lunch. I'll take care of the kids all day. I have a large stash of fabric that I am looking forward to using- mostly for my tiered ruffled skirts for various girls in my life. I actually thought that the list of Rapunzel's daily activities in Tangled sounded lovely- if not for the kidnapping and slavery and abuse aspects of the film. My rite has no women around the altar, and I'm okay with that. I actually think it is a good idea that Jesus calls men only to His priesthood, being that all His apostles were men. But there is some Mary and Magdalena in me along with the Martha. I vote. I drive. I work part time while my husband takes care of his children. And right now, yes, I am even wearing pants.

I tried to buy my daughters some new clothes this past weekend. I started at Target because they have carts to keep the littles wrangled. My 11 and 12 year olds don't really fit in the girls' clothes, so we went to the Junior's section. Nope. Nada. I bought a few t-shirts, but there was really nothing for them. After seeing the quality of the polo shirts, I decided to spend a bit more on-line with Land's End and LL Bean. The mall was much worse. Why, oh why, do mothers purchase pants with 'Juicy' on the backside? Why would a focus group think that this shirt is something that girls should aspire to?

The shirt says "I'm too pretty to do homework, so my brother has to do it for me." Who has time for homework when there's a new Justin Beiber album out? So this is when my feminist-self starts to get stronger. This t-shirt was developed because lots of people in the design pipeline knew that it would sell. Nothing is done in marketing without a lot of research, focus groups and talking with design teams up and down the corporate ladder.

In my little bubble, every one would be disgusted by this sentiment.  We want our girls to be intelligent and educated while being kind, feminine and as beautiful as God made them to be. I feel like my girls, in my attempt to be balanced, are between the 'quiverful' world of waist-long hair and ankle-length skirts and the 'normal' world of six year old girls with 'Juicy' on their behinds and Glee notebooks for school. What they'll put in their notebooks, I'm not sure. They're too pretty for homework.

Of course, women around the world (basically if they are not from North America or Western Europe) are literally under siege. I am grateful that my three daughters are living in a place where they were allowed to be born. But I still feel like t-shirts like the one pictured above is an example of hatred towards the female gender. Perhaps it is even self-hatred to form girls into thinking that their looks are all that matters. And according to the world of MTV (no music, just 'Jersy Shore' with girls that fall over drunk every episode and -I suppose- sleep with random men) and Huffington Post (not a lot of political commentary these days, just reality 'celebrity' gossip), a girl doesn't need to study. All she needs for worldly success is a sex tape (Paris Hilton, Kim Kardashian, almost every pop stars' videos). Even the daughter of Laurence Fishburne (rent his version of Othello; it will break your heart) has turned to such immoral activities as porn to be a 'successful' actress. And this is what the suffragettes suffered for? So while a t-sirt is not as serious as the 200 million missing girls due to gendercide, it is a symptom of a world-wide hatred and disrespect for girls and women. As always, we must start with ourselves and respect ourselves. Then, we can work on gaining the respect of others.

7 QuickTakes- Education Inspiration

If it is Labor Day weekend (in the US)- it must be school time! I don't know about you, but I need some quick inspiration...

1. "Bless me, what do they teach them at these schools?" CS Lewis, The Lion, the Witch, & the Wardrobe

2. "Education is an admirable thing, but it is well to remember from time to time that nothing that is worth knowing can be taught." Oscar Wilde

or

"Education is the period during which you are being instructed by somebody you do not know, about something you do not want to know." GK Chesterton

or

"Education is not the filling of a pail, but the lighting of a fire." William Butler Yeats

3. "It is impossible for a man to learn what he thinks he already knows." Epictetus

4. "Learning is not attained by chance, it must be sought for with ardor and attended to with diligence.' Abigail Adams

5. "Do not train children to learning by force and harshness, but direct them to it by what amuses their minds, so that you may be better able to discover with accuracy the peculiar bent of the genius of each." Plato

6. "Have you ever been at sea in a dense fog, when it seemed as if a tangible white darkness shut you in and the great ship, tense and anxious, groped her way toward the shore with plummet and sounding-line, and you waited with beating heart for something to happen? I was like that ship before my education began, only I was without compass or sounding line, and no way of knowing how near the harbor was. “Light! Give me light!” was the wordless cry of my soul, and the light of love shone on me in that very hour." Helen Keller

7.

and as a bonus: "1. Confusion 2. Class Position 3. Indifference 4. Emotional Dependency 5. Intellectual Dependency 6. Provisional Self-Esteem 7. One Can't Hide. It is the great triumph of compulsory, government monopoly mass-schooling that among even the best of my fellow teachers, and among even the best of my students' parents, only a small number can imagine a different way to do things" - John Taylor Gatto 

find more quick takes at conversiondiary.com

Daybook for September

FOR TODAY

Outside my window… a drying rack filled with clean laundry as the dryer decided to bite the dust recently. I guess my appliances have decided to 'go green.'

I am thinking… about our schedule for the coming school year- it is going to be really busy (as usual)!

I am thankful… for family and safe flights

In the kitchen… beef stew with lots of vegetables and corn muffins made by the big girls

I am wearing… a dark green shirt- one of my favorite colors. My high school plaid was mostly green, so I am only recently wearing green after the 'trauma' of a uniform. Now, I wish my kids had a uniform. One of the pitfalls of homeschooling- that and having kids that can't eat a sandwich (sort of kidding)

I am creating… meal plans- actual meal plans that can be printed out and posted on the 'fasting' and 'feasting' pages on this blog. If there is a magic bullet for saving money and time and sanity, I think this is it. Yes, I am forty years old, and it has taken me this long to plan meals.

I am going… to our homeschooling charter school library tomorrow to check out this school year's curriculum, Wish me luck! I only have an hour to make lots of decisions

I am wondering… how to help my oldest daughter love math and spelling.

I am reading… about 4 different books on my Kindle, but then I just back to my old paperback of The Hobbit.

I am hoping… that choir will give my girls the '2 for 1' discount- or they can't do choir this year. The checkbook is stretched really thin these days.

I am looking forward to… finding out which Shakespeare play my girls will be studying and performing this year

I am hearing… a phone ringing, a siren, a cat whining,a baby crying & the big girls practicing reading in the old language- it's not very peaceful around here sometimes! But I am playing Cat Stevens' Greatest Hits. I love his music, and it gives me a chance to pray for his reversion.

Around the house… (this is the song that never ends)...cleaning the garage/learning room...and getting ready to go swimming with Dad

One of my favorite things… 4 year old boy having fun at his preschool. I don't know if I'm going to find the money for baby girl next year- but for the only boy, it is money well spent.

A few plans for the rest of the week… maybe we will go somewhere after a pool party after Sunday lunch after the Divine Liturgy- or an electrician-parishioner might come to fix a few outlets in the kitchen area so I can get rid of the extension cords all over the place. Then, I need to either buy space heaters for the bedrooms or find $5,000 to replace our abesto-laden air ducts (can I sue the inspector or former home owner- Shouldn't that have been disclosed?)- I'm silly (I hope), but every cough is cancer now that I know we have this problem with the house. Pray for us!