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strongly opinionated priest's wife: why I am publicly wishy-washy about Harry Potter & veiling

A friend asked me if I have allowed my teen daughters to read the Harry Potter series. Uh-oh...my face fell....has there ever been such a loaded question in the past twenty years? Harry Potter or no Harry Potter- for many people this is a litmus test of spiritual seriousness far stronger than veils or no veils...

If I say that I agree with Regina Doman's and Decent Film's not-quite recommendations of the series, I am a liberal who does not take her daughters' immortal souls seriously. 

If I say that Harry Potter's disobedience and use of magic in the real world is highly problematic, I 'need to get with the times' because my children might rebel in later years. 

My 16 and 15 year old daughters and I have read the series. This would be very upsetting and scandalous for some people to know. The series is certainly not read and re-read by my daughters. Their go-to authors would be Tolkein, Lewis, Austen and the Brontes. They especially love the Andrew Lang fairy series when they want to just relax and read. Even though our Byzantine Catholic mission is microscopic, my opinions have influence as a priest's wife. This is why I do not shout my Potter-semi-positive opinions from the rooftops. I read them first and then decided that my teen daughters could read them. I did not really research it deeply. We do not go overboard with fake wands and amusement park trips; we don't celebrate Harry like we do Hobbits. 

It might seem wishy-washy, but I do feel that many family decisions need to be made even on a child to child basis (for age and personality). And one family's decision to partake of something should not be seen as a recommendation for other families. The scary fairy tales collected by Andrew Lang might never be appropriate for a child (perhaps a foster or adoptive child) who was suffering from attachment disorder. Should Greek myths be studied by a child who does not understand his own Christian faith well yet? Science fiction can be anti-human and dark (so- never read by a minor child), but even the beautiful tales written by Ray Bradbury should not be read until the teen years. Should Goosebumps ever be permitted? Not in my family!  Roald Dahl is rather dark. Agatha Christie can be read by teens, but I believe that P.D. James should wait until they are grown. Two of my favorite novels of all time, Graham Greene's The End of the Affair and The Power and the Glory, shouldn't even be read by an adult if they are questioning their faith!  Harry Potter should not be read before the age of twelve if the parents decide that it is a possibility for the teen. 

Catholic All Year (a Harry-positive family-much more than we are- they have Harry-themed birthday parties) writes this -

"Magic in fiction is used as a plot device. In fairy tales and fantasy stories, magic allows for characters and worlds wildly different than our own, and yet familiar, somehow. We can lose ourselves in the wonder and novelty of it all, which opens us up to learn truths about ourselves and our own world.

We see this clearly in The Chronicles of Narnia and The Lord of the Rings books. Those worlds are full of magic, and in the case of the Narnia books, that magic bleeds back and forth between Narnia and England, just as it does in the Harry Potter books.

The end of Harry's story is about ultimate self-sacrifice, redemption, the fight of good against evil, and as with Aslan in The Chronicles of Narnia and Gandalf in The Lord of the Rings, death and resurrection. In the final book we see that Harry is, like Aslan, truly a Christ-figure.

Unlike Aslan, Harry is imperfect. He disregards rules. He loses his temper. But, that makes him relatable and inspiring. (In an I-can-also-overcome-personal-tragedy-and-triumph-over-evil-and-my-baser-inclinations way, not in a hey-I-should-be-a-wizard way.)

If you yourself, our your particular children have a temptation towards the occult or new age practices, perhaps none of these fantasy series would be a good choice for your home."

...or Harry or no Harry or veil or no veils...

Many people are disturbed that I do not veil during the Divine Liturgy. My husband has not asked me to do so, and in Romania it is not such a strong tradition as in the traditional Latin Mass in the US. In a Romanian city, if a married woman veiled, she would be seen as drawing attention to herself. Normally, only the widows veil in the cities. I do think it is a beautiful testimony when women veil in the US, much like a religious sister who wears a habit. When I stand next to a religious sister in a habit or a Romanian woman who is in national dress, I know that she is more beautiful than I. But- I am who I am. It would be inauthentic for me to travel to the mountains of Maramures and wear their national folk costume. I can go half-way and wear a Romanian ie (folk blouse) just as I can go half-way and wear modest clothing during the Liturgy but not veil. Maybe that makes me a scandalously wishy-washy wife. 

random life lessons on my birthday- part 2

....a few more things I have learned in my long life....I'm not telling exactly when I learned them! 

26. The crowns in the Byzantine Catholic marriage service symbolize martyrdom, not being 'king and queen.'

27. Oh yes- and the Catholic Church does not allow priests to marry! But the Church does allow married men to be ordained deacon and -for the Eastern rites- priests.

28. You will learn the theory behind 'how to be a perfect priest's wife.' Will you succeed? No! But you will usually try.

29. Advice is dangerous- like this to a future priest's wife:

"And specifically about your question of "Does a priest's wife need the call?" Yes and no. You must be called to be married to a man who will be ordained deacon and priest, but after that, your vocation differs according to your state in life, talents and abilities. Every priest's wife is different. 

About feeling like you don't have a choice...this gets into sticky personal territory, but as a marriage team you need to be in agreement with these huge decisions and changes. It is similar to a spouse wanting to be a doctor. Just because it is the 'dream' of one spouse to pursue something that is time-consuming and expensive for a greater good does not mean that the other spouse has no say. The other spouse should have 'veto power' and the spouse with a dream should accept this with no bitterness. This is easier said than done. I know one married couple who were married for over fifty years. Although they were Roman-rite, he changed rites and became a deacon in the Byzantine-rite. The wife was very supportive, making him sets of vestments and being supportive of time spent away from the family. When he was ordained a priest, it was too much for her and they divorced. 

There will be times when you feel unimportant. The Sacrament of Holy Orders is an eternal mark while marriage is not. You will need to humble yourself. You will need to find your own ministry within the Church and a hobby outside of it. You should cultivate friendships outside of your parish- this is a difficult one for me because I am painfully, increasingly INFP. I pray that you succeed.

It seems to me that you feel like you are on a roller coaster, powerless to get off. I hope you can shake this feeling and make the decision together. It will be a sacrificial journey of faith, but he, who feels called to the priesthood, is married to you. So his vocation is an incredibly specific one- marriage to you, then the priesthood. Although the priesthood is eternal, you come first. It's a paradox, and this is a reason why some people say that a married priesthood cannot work. You need to work on your family's identity. Your attitude and inventiveness, as the mother, helps determine the success of this endeavor. I hope this post helps a little and that every person who read this far will be praying for you!"....

30. I learned that I need to read (and try to follow) my own advice.... Now that the baby is six, life in church is much easier...
31. The southern border of Arizona is not coast line. 

32. Ask for what you want, and you might get it- even those awesome hunter green penny loafers from Nordstrom (I paid half).

33. It is okay to be a tourist sometimes. It is silly to be in Paris twice and stubbornly refuse to go to the top of the Eiffel Tower.

34. It is not healthy to eat a 'cup of soup,' red licorice whip, and milk every day during high school.

35. Gaming, Austria is beyond beautiful in all seasons.

36. Every time you go to Trader Joe's, buy a 4 pack of avocados. They will ripen eventually.

37. Buy cold medicine, chest rub and tissues in October before anyone gets sick.

38. His priestly ordination day- even more so than our marriage day or his diaconate ordination- is the day that the evil one painted an enormous target on both of us. It is what it is. I believe it is better to realize that and fight than to pretend nothing changed.

39. Children remember a lot.... I was 'helping' my father in his wood shop. Maybe I was in 3rd grade. He said, "you are a jack of all trades." I still remember how happy that made me feel.And why is 'On Eagle's Wings' not hated by me? It was the theme song of the mother-daughter retreat I went on with my mom.

40. Don't cook eggs with peanut butter, but graham crackers with yellow mustard are pretty tasty.

41. You definitely do not need to wear your Catholic school uniform skirt on the orientation day before the school year starts and students will be in jeans or shorts.

42. People will think you want women to be ordained Catholic priests because you are married to a Byzantine Catholic priest.

43. People will think you are anti-public school and want everyone to homeschool because you do so.

44. Try to stop assuming and being an insecure jerk and you will be happier....for example, a fellow Catholic mom in the area calls her child a 'hipster' sort of name. And I judged her in my mind. She is hipster- she is tall and skinny with great hair- she is cool (what is wrong with that? Well- I am not those things). Well, I found out the story of the name, and she named her child that for a beautiful, faith-filled reason and I cannot give details except that I was a jerk for assuming anything (just internally). 

45. Be not afraid. It is going to be alright. Our Lord has won the victory.

random life lessons on my birthday- part 1

It's my birthday week! No- I don't have anything luxurious planned that needs a week, but as a clergy wife and a homeschooling & work outside the home mom, I have to be flexible when any family celebrations are- Christmas included.  

Here are 45 things I have learned in my lifetime- in no order- some are just opinions- and I am not going to tell you how old I was when I learned it (and I am not 45!):

1. Recipe for best summer drink anywhere: 6 sprigs organic lavender, 6 mint leaves, place herbs in just-boiled simple syrup of 1 cup sugar and 1 cup water, let steep until cool. Strain herbs. Add 1 cup of freshly squeezed lemon juice. Add 6 cups of water or sparkling water. Serve over ice and some fresh lavender. 

2. If Thorin's dying words -"If more of us valued food and cheer and song over hoarded gold, it would be a merrier world"- were tattooed onto all politicians' and CEOs' foreheads, the world would be a better place. 

3. The last time I taught English to truly advanced non-native speakers, I was 25. So, it has been almost twenty years of teaching simple present/present continuous/simple past. So, I haven't learned much about that...

4. Confession is good for the soul; sacramental confession is even better. Catholic guilt? I don't understand that phrase....

5. 'Judging' and 'condemning' are two entirely different things. If we don't make daily judgments on how our day is to go, we will just be floundering. 

6. Teachers play videos and give tests in class to save themselves the grief of preparing an actual lecture/discussion class.

7. Children remember a lot. I remember the pride I felt when I received a flower for reading in the first grade. I remember the second-hand humiliation when our 3rd grade teacher was jeering at a student for mistakenly saying he was born at the 'state hospital.'

8. I prefer Wings and John Lennon's solo career to The Beatles. Peter Gabriel and Phil Collins don't need Genesis. I still cannot decide if I prefer Sting alone or with The Police. Have Hall and Oates ever sung apart? I hope not to hear it!

9. Going to the ballet in the big city with friends is much better than being asked to prom and it is much much better than just sitting at home during Junior year's prom. 

10. The Byzantine Catholic Divine Liturgy is quite different than the Novus Ordo Roman-rite Mass. No- they don't stop singing and no- there isn't a 'responsorial psalm.' 

11. In some traditional Latin Masses, the laity say and sing almost nothing. 

12. It is too late to get LASIK- but I wish I had.

13. The insect is spelled 'beetles'- not Beatles.

14. Stormtroopers are actually soldiers inside armor, not robots.
15. A squeeze of lemon and some freshly ground pepper can make almost any dinner taste yummy. 
16. Angela Lansbury is Mrs. Potts and Jessica Fletcher (and National Velvet's big sister!). 
17.  It really will not matter that one did not get asked out on dates- except for that one invitation to see Cats because his girlfriend couldn't go and you are the only girl she would trust him to go with. 
18. That man in the gold catsuit with gold eye lashes and wig at the David Bowie concert? He was not hitting on your big sister, but her boyfriend. 
19. Have holy water in the house at all times. Some incense doesn't hurt, either. 
20. It is good to be kind to all, but many times it will not matter and you will get thrown under the bus. Try not to let it happen again.
21. Everyone is experiencing their life from their own perspective. They might not be telling you everything, and perhaps they are manipulating you. Try and be objective and learn from those manipulative people....
22. Stop all extra activities for the kids that they are not enthusiastic about. Yes, just quit tae kwan do already.
23. You will be surprised at how many devout practicing Roman-rite Catholics know nothing about the Eastern rites of the Catholic Church. And you will be a bit hurt when most of them really do not want to know about the Eastern rites. 
24. That Orthodox nun who hissed, "Unity with the Catholic Church? God forbid!"- not an anomaly... 
25. Don't forget- 'be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.'- or perhaps better said: "You have never talked to a mere mortal." (CS Lewis)